Breaking the Mold of Perfection

I used to live in a world that only went in one direction: towards perfection. Not only was this direction always the focal point of my mind, but it was also the purpose of my body. I was a dieting, clean eating, cheat-meal-fearing machine, and I was proud of it. I knew I had something other people didn’t have…will power.

I had a personal strength above all others. I had a reason to feel self-righteous. I lived in a body that had no weaknesses or food-related problems. I had no cravings. I never slept in and missed a workout. I thrived off of discipline….

Or maybe that’s just the person I wanted other people to see.

Little did anyone know that the body I so loudly strutted around was one of disordered eating. Little did others know, the body people saw on their Instagram feed every morning required imbalanced hormones. Nobody knew that this body was isolated 90% of its life because it feared social gatherings and intimacy.

I felt like everything was out to get me. Life was out to get me off of my perfection-focused course. I was always one meal away from losing my abs. I was always one sleep away from missing an AM cardio sprint session. I was one date away from losing all of my will power and succumbing to high carb sushi, and therefore high risk of body fat increase.

I was a walking, talking, life-fearing machine. Nature was always trying to go against my plans for my life. I was okay with being isolated all the time all for the sake of my body image. But nature wasn’t. Nature had different plans.

My mindset shift wasn’t easy; it took years. But I began to start to realize that my fear of life actually was not enjoyable. It was not fun. It created anxiety that built up more and more and more until I just wanted to hide away and babysit my abs all day long. But a moment did come that changed my perspective forever.

The night after my second fitness competition, I was lying on my hotel bed thinking about the bodybuilding show I just endured. After 5 months of obsessive dieting, overtraining, anxiety-ridden sleep, imbalanced hormones, starvation and feeling attached to my Instagram feed for “fitspiration,” I finally realized one thing.

None of this is worth the cost.

That night, staring up at the ceiling, I realized that for the past few years, life was just moving by and I wasn’t only letting it move by, I was asking it to. I was scared of the things that life requires of you, and I was even a bit conditioned to view life’s events as scary. After reading bodybuilding forums for hours, I had learned that you could never trust restaurant food to not be “clean” so you should really just pack your chicken and broccoli in a Tupperware and bring it along. That’s what the big leagues do.

I learned that bodybuilders could only be romantic with other bodybuilders because nobody else would ever understand the lifestyle required of them.

I was taught that high carbohydrate days were around 100-150 grams of carbs for some bodybuilders. Others could manage around 250 gram of carbohydrates, but it takes awhile to have a body that can “process” that correctly.

Rules, rules, rules.

I learned all of these rules so young and they became my life rules. I loved having rules and simply listening to mainstream fitness bros to tell me what I can and can’t do with my one and only body.

Needless to say, that night lying on the hotel bed was more than scary. I was questioning everything I had learned in the years prior. I had to face the fact that maybe life should be governed by intuition instead of rules. Maybe, just maybe, I would be better off going to parties, going on dates and enjoying life instead of hiding in my bedroom sheltering my abs.

It’s not like I was doing anything with the perfect body I had created anyways. It was actually completely pointless.

Because without people…without relationships…without laughter and joy…life is meaningless.

I learned a lot about the purpose of my body within those years of disordered eating, fitness competitions, and obsessive dieting.

But I’ve learned a lot more since then.

I’ve learned that losing my abs and gaining life is the best trade that has ever existed and it’s one I want every woman and man to confidently choose. I don’t want others to have to experience what I experienced in order to know that perfection isn’t real or worth it.

Perfection is nothing more than subjective. And if you are the judge of your own physical perfection, you’ll never meet your standards because those standards will continuously change.

Right now, in this moment, know that you are more than enough. Your body is meant to give you the capability to live life. To enjoy people. To enjoy food. To enjoy creating. To enjoying helping others.

Life is about doing good and feeling good. If trying to shape your body into a make-believe mold of perfection isn’t making you feel good or do good, then maybe it’s time to burn that mold. Maybe it’s time to rid yourself of the idea of perfection, and start indulging in what you already are.

Life is waiting for you to come and play. Are you ready to experience it?