8 Questions to Ask if You're in a Power Dynamic

I’m going to be straight-up. I’ve participated in my share of power dynamics.

I’ve been a magnet to it in some ways.

The (multiple) trainers who preyed on my body insecurities when I was a fitness model.

The best-selling author who “saw something in me.”

The world famous paleo podcaster who met me when I was a bright-eyed, starry-eyed podcaster newbie and enlightened me by saying the most “primal way to relate” is for a man to have multiple women, as he made his move on me.

The artist who wanted us to know each other sexually to deepen our commitment at the expense of lying + manipulating me multiple times over to “know each other” in this way.

And more.

In some instances there was deep, true love alongside these power dynamics.

And in almost every instance, it wasn’t overt. It was subtle. Barely visible to my own eyes.

Here’s the thing - there’s been medicine for me in this.

There’s a reason I kept going through this karmic samsara.

(Which is why I don’t hold these men 💯 responsible while claiming I didn’t play a role - I had my part in it)

I was perpetually gaslighted as a child. I was emotionally harassed and abused. It’s something I don’t talk about much because I’m too busy making art out of it. But it’s there.

If you, too, were raised with any kind of perpetual gaslighting, you may struggle to trust your body over others, especially those with significance, stature and power. They’ll be your kryptonite.

AND…. they are also your biggest opportunity to draw a line in the sand and choose you.

HERE ARE 8 QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF TO KNOW IF YOU'RE PARTICIPATING IN A POWER DYNAMIC...

#1. If this man was a random man I met on Tinder, would I say yes to this request he is asking of me, so early on, without a foundation of trust yet?

Whether they're pressuring you, or you're projecting onto them...fame, success and stature can cloud judgment early on, especially if you have lingering daddy kinks, a desire to please, anxious attachment, an "I wanna be special" wound or abandonment trauma. Slow down and tune into your body. What is your pace? No matter who they are, having your trust is a privilege that comes with time + evidence.

#2. Am I continuously being made wrong for who I am or what I need?

In power dynamics, there is an inherent, often subtle, background of "I know better than you." This may be overt or it may be an undertone. You can't seem to shake the feeling that if you brought a desire, complaint, curiosity or need front and center in the relationship, there would be a reason why it wasn't valid. Perhaps you're too sensitive, the request is illogical, you have blindspots or you're unaware of your childish nature. Either way, they make it clear that they can see the issue, while simultaneously proving that you're blind to it.

#3. Do I feel pre-anxious about expressing my feelings because I usually have to defend or protect myself afterwards?

There is often a fear that will arise in a power dynamic when you have a feeling come up unexpectedly. Your fluctuating emotions have proven to be a threat to the dynamic because the dynamic is built upon control. This is why your own natural feelings are equated with a sense of self-sacrifice, fight/flight/freeze/fawn and complex trauma. Your body has learned that "when I feel things, I must disassociate from my body to keep the peace and receive love."

#4. Are one or both of us putting each other in roles? (aka I must be the feminine/devotional one and he must be the masculine/driven one)

We often find ourselves in power dynamics because it gives us an escape route for fully being something for ourselves. Not always, but often. Young women with beauty will match with older men with money. This is surface level example of polarity (energy finding depth). But, this is very disempowering. These matches happen because she is placing him in the role of conscious daddy warbucks and her in the role of wet devotional house bunny. She doesn't have access to her own success and he doesn't have access to his own flow of inherent love so they find each other. It's okay to need your partner AND be careful what role you're needing them to be in... and at what cost.

#5. When I “behave” in ways they don’t like, am I continuously subjected to energetic domination? (loud voice, big stature, big energy that feels unsafe to the nervous system)

A big way to see if you're in a power dynamic is to notice what happens when there is a loss in that power. You may see that power on their inside be reflected through the body in ways that make you feel unsafe. Notice... what happens in your body when that happens? Does all your might and power collapse in on yourself? Did that big request you were just making with clarity crumble into self-pity? Do you energetically shrink when they expand, as a protection mechanism? What happens in your body will reveal a lot about how welcome and safe your power, clarity and life force is.

#6. Am I continuously going to them before going to myself to know “what I should do” about something? Am I groomed to trust them over me?

Speaking of putting each other in roles, are you putting them in the role of decision-maker? "Daddy Knows Best?" Are you giving them the power to make decisions for you in efforts to be a good feminine practitioner practicing the art of surrender??? Too many women go into the world of polarity and then leave workshops looking for a man who can lead them in their daily decisions. This is not healthy, safe or smart. There was an era of my life where I did this with multiple men and my body was literally breaking down.

#7. When I feel like I’m about to lose love, do I (unconsciously or consciously) cower, make myself small or enter a victim role so that my “brokenness” gets their attention + love again?

This behavior can run very deep, depending on if you were raised in an unsafe household - and - it's a part of your work, love. For as long as you willingly enter dynamics where your power is not welcome, you will be entering dynamics where your victim-role is required for the dynamic to play out. The victim role is a crucial part of the power dynamic. When you decide you will no longer play that role, you will also have to face the loss of what that role gives you. And - you will experience the (possibly scary) feeling of having your power owned completely by you.

#8. Do I often say “yes” to whatever they’re asking of me because if I don’t, I believe they’ll easily find someone else who will because of their power?

It's a scary position to be in when your no might equal the loss of the partnership. And, let's be real - that's a really shitty, unsafe foundation. If you believe you have to be a "yes" at the expense of your body's own intelligence, you're not in a sacred union dynamic based on mutual respect and space. You're in a power dynamic.

And you deserve better.

With every power dynamic you walk away from, you heal a part of yourself that thinks you don’t know best.

You do know best.

And with the right partner, you’ll feel that truth echo in every conversation.

You’ll be able to finally FEEL where your body starts and stops.

Individuation.

Full self integration.

And, it may be frightening to feel yourself in this way. You’re no longer merging with other.

And, you’ll be free.

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