Making Your Love Darker and Your Goals Lighter with Dominick Quartuccio
Episode 283: Dominick Quartuccio is an international speaker, executive coach to high-performing men and women in burnout-rich environments. Dominick is an outspoken leader of men doing inner work and co-hosts The Great Man Within Podcast, a high-performing man’s guide to personal development…which ironically has an audience 50% comprised of women. His live event series, The Discerning Dick: Sexual Wisdom for the Modern Man also attracts an audience of 50% women…who want to support men doing inner work in their sexual lives. He is the author of Design Your Future, 3 Steps to Stop Drifting and Take Command of Your Life. Dominick Quartuccio runs both men’s retreats and women’s retreats for those looking to intentionally design the next decade of their lives. Dominick’s work has been featured in the NY Times, NPR’s All Things Considered and on the TEDx stage.
Show notes:
We don’t want to close our hearts. We don’t want to nag. We don’t want to complain. We don’t thrive in states of chronic closure. Madelyn's Instagram post: https://instagram.com/p/B5qH9UbnRhA/
“If a man cannot stand up to her, he cannot stand up for her—and she will feel that.” - Dominick Quartuccio
“I believe that women are so entirely equal in all value that nothing is taken from us if we choose to surrender to man—not by someone who is unconscious, or in an unsafe container, but by the chosen man.”
Why Dominick's romantic partners have been calling for his “dark side.”
"Women want to feel your open heart, but they don’t want a soft man. When you just open your heart and not become the conscious warrior, then she loses respect for you— maybe she still loves you, she just doesn’t want to fuck you."
The trend with women stepping into more of their feelings.
Who Dominick works with: men who are “publicly decorated and privately confused” and women who are successful in male-dominated businesses.
The Feminine spirit school is open now - early bird is still available! Sign up here: http://maddymoon.com/feminine-spirit
Ways that women create their mental toughness and how to surrender.
5 practices to make you a mentally tougher man podcast episode: https://apple.co/2ZvLlkE
When to know when you’re at one end of the extreme with your masculine/feminine energy.
To bring the balance back, really feel into what is and just listen.
How to know the difference between intuition and resistance of doing the work.
Any time we set a goal, it’s the feeling that we’re after.
If you’re not clear on your feeling with what you’re going after, the very thing that you’re going after may leave you feeling empty.
“Success without fulfillment is the ultimate failure.” (Masculine without the Feminine is the failure.)
Domicki’s 1-week experiment.
Men’s survey - the things that drive men crazy.
The importance of revealing pleasure without any words.
Connect with Dominick:
Website: https://doinnerwork.com/
Podcast: https://doinnerwork.com/podcast
Instagram: https://instagram.com/dominickq/
[Tweet ""Women want to feel your open heart, but they don’t want a soft man." #podcast #mindbodymusings"]
COACHING: receive personalized, 1:1 coaching from Maddy Moon to create your own feminine and masculine embodiment. Heal your heart, build confidence, create an online business (if that's a goal!) or simply feel happier. Apply here: http://maddymoon.com/coaching
FEMININE SPIRIT SCHOOL: this school is the one-stop-shop for all things feminine energy! If you've been wanting to embody the feminine but feel stuck on the how, this program will take you through the entire realm from start to (well...we're never really finished, are we?). Learn about the feminine/masculine, shadow sides, ancestral healing, boundary setting, empowerment, sensuality and sexuality, sovereignty and so much more. Sign up here: http://maddymoon.com/feminine-spirit
READ THE FULL TRANSCRIPT
Madelyn: [00:00] Greetings everyone and welcome Mind Musing Podcast if this is your first time it is so good to have you here. It's really exciting introducing the work and the conversations we have on this show, and if you are returning, get ready to go deep because that is exactly how I would describe today’s episode with guest Dominick Quartuccio. Dominick is an international speaker, executive coach to high performing men and women in burnout rich environments, oh I think many of us can relate to that, he is outspoken leader of men do inner work and co-host to the Great Man Within podcast, a high performing men’s guide to personal development which ironically has an audience 50% comprised of women. His live event the discerning dick, sexual wisdom for the modern man also attracts an audience of 50% women who want to support men doing inner work and their sexual lives. He is the author of Design Your Future, three steps to stop drifting and take command of your life. He runs both men’s retreats and women's retreats for those looking to intentionally design this decade of their life and his work has been featured in The New York Times, NPR’s all things considered and on the TedX stage. You can find more about Dominick after listen to this awesome podcast doinnerwork.com, you're going to hear this on the show but Dominick is definitely a season speaker; he is excellent delivering his message in way that is really calming to the nervous system and really rounded and connected to his truth. Now this interview is fairly graphic in some senses and I recommend if you have Littles around you put on headphones and with that I will also give a trigger warning because we're going to be talking about sexuality, taboo and we're talking about some of the darker energy, the holding of throat kind of energy so if you are sensitive content please take that into consideration before diving in this episode. And another thing that's exciting is today is the first day in six years of having this podcast that we have *drumroll* transcripts brought to you by people who do transcripts; we have transcripts of the podcast moving forward, guess where you can find that? My website Madelynmoon.com that is where you find everything so if you want to listen to this here and then go back and highlight, record the notes, write down quotes and do all of that beautiful nerdy stuff that we all love to do in this personal development world and study what the guests are doing. Now you can relax and really listen to the episode knowing full well you don’t have to take all the notes because the transcripts are already there waiting for you. So the transcripts for this episode are going to be at Dominick Quartuccio; so Madelynmoon.com/domickquartuccio and you can get everything we talked about there. Literally everything will be there now written down which is pretty frickin’ sweet, so remember that moving forward whenever you are listening to these episodes you don’t have to be taken down vigorous notes even though I know you are probably going to anyways, you can just go to the website and then print them which is much easier.
Madelyn: [03:39] today before we jump in I am going to talk about something that came up for me, this week. So I've been writing a lot on my Instagram going deeper into the truth of what I believe in and specifically I wrote a post and you can go in, and will include the post in the show notes of this episode where I am in the bathtub and I talk about how we as a feminine desire for you as the masculine, whoever is listening to this who is the masculine to not let us get away with closing our hearts because we don’t like to do that because we don’t like to complain as the feminine or nag or close our hearts or withhold from you; we want to give you our best but sometimes we are going to test you. We are going to close our hearts and we are going to see if you have and I am going to be bold about this if you have what it takes to open our hearts and stand up to us. Not in a way that is repressive of us or neglecting our pain, in fact it is the complete opposite; what the feminine craves is to be in relation to a human and let’s say, we are going to say a scenario that I am speaking for all the women who have a desire to be in a polarized relation where they are in the feminine and their partner is in the masculine. I fully acknowledge and I have acknowledged it in all my episodes that that's not what everyone wants and that is totally cool but that's not what I'm talking about this morning; this morning I'm talking about a human who is desiring a polarized relationship, the feminine who desiring to be lead deeper into her heart, and how that serves her. I've been writing a bit about this, about how the feminine craves a masculine partner who will not settle for her to have a closed heart and who will stand up to that. I'm reading a book right now called the masculine in leadership and one of the things that he says is if a man cannot stand up to her he cannot stand up for her, and she will feel that. We're going to talk a bit about that today this dynamic and that is why I am dropping this in now, the confusion I've been receiving and a lot of comments that I receive around that post that I wrote recently which I will include in the show notes, it comes from people who are not in this space in this world. So when they hear me write about the feminine desiring to be lead, a lot of times they get triggered because that's not the world that they are in and most people who are listening to this podcast are already in this world you're already familiar, that it is not taking anything away from you as a feminine creature who wants to be lead. You are not lead because you can't lead yourself, you are being lead because of a choice and because it actually leads you further to your heart it's empowering. That said even if you already know that it is important for me to come back to this time again and one of the things Dominick and I are going to talk about in today’s podcast, is how it is actually the heightened of a women’s empowerment to say I am strong AF, I am capable of leading myself, I am capable and self-aware and I choose to let go and surrender and I choose dark love in this moment and my warrior priestess Goddess is actually being pinned down by his consciousness, because I know that anytime I can stop that and at any time I can say you're not the man to that and any time I can change my mind because I am choosing to surrender because it actually gives me life.
Madelyn: [07:29] that might not be the case for you and that is absolutely fine, please listen to this podcast even if that does not resonate with you, because it resonates with me because I am at this point in being a woman where I'm so I'm so self-assured and I'm so confident that women and men are completely equal in their value that nothing feels threatened by me, letting myself go into my feminine, letting go, being led and what we're going to talk about is actually being kind of tussled with, with aggression. I love that, to get really real with y'all. I love being spanked. I love being, I love having my choke, I love having my throat held. I love having my hair pulled. There's something about that kind of energy that soothes me because most of my day I spend taking names, building a business, handling book keeping and doing all these masculine things that I actually get nourished by being dominated and hello, that is why a lot of powerful men behind the scenes higher dominatrixes because it makes them feel nourished to be held down because they're building empires all day long that they secretly just want to be held down and be submissive; it's nourishing to their nervous system and who is anyone to say that is not right. That it is repressive or the patriarchy you wouldn’t say that for a man who hires a dominatrix and if we're so equal as men and women why would you say that for a women either, right. So just something I'm dropping in, I believe that women are so entirely equal to men in all value that nothing is taken from us if we choose to surrender and be dominated by the chosen man; not by anybody, not in an unclean container and not by someone who is unconscious. I feel the difference when I am tussling in a bed with a man who is not connected to their heart and is spanking my ass, it does not feel good. No thank you. I will hiss at that because it doesn't feel like that person is leading me into my own heart it actually feels like it is piggy energy and they're getting what they want and it's making them feel powerful, so I'm making this statement because I am not; I really want to make sure it's clear that the only way it actually takes us deeper into our spirituality in sex is when our partner connected to their heart and they're doing it for us and they're also doing it for them there's something within them that, that takes them deeper into their spirit and this takes work I've been doing this for years, and I've so much more work to do and so much deeper to go. It's not something that I'm going to encourage you to just listen to this podcast and let's go do this, I invite you to do this with teachers first in a contained environment go to courses and classes where you're working with certified tantricka and people who know how to hold the container and set the rules, set the scene because where you do this it matters and we'll get into that today but I am dropping this in because it feels very important. If you enjoy this episode, if you have enjoyed episodes of the past, the best way it turns out to help me get my podcast in that top section even higher so more people see it is to subscribe, iTunes loves when you leave five-star reviews but iTunes is really starting to love subscribe and it is super easy. If you want to get podcast delivered to you on automatically every Wednesday just hit subscribe you'll get every episode sent to your phone you just open it up and it doesn’t matter if it is Spotify, iTunes or Stitcher just subscribe all around and if you do enjoy this it really serves the podcast to leave a five-star review and some kind words about what you love about the show and if not that is okay as well, you can send this episode to a friend maybe a guy friend, maybe a girlfriend if you think it will server her. Those are all wonderful ways to support the podcast for free. Let's go head on over to this episode with Dominick to hear all about how we can have healthy feminine goals, how dark love soothes our heart, and even what drives men just a little bit crazy in and out of bed. Let’s head on over *intro music*
Madelyn: [13:01] and we have with us Dominick Quartuccio and I am just delighted, I am feeling so nourished by this masculine presence dropping in with us today, and I want to give just a small bit of background on how I know Dominick before I officially bring him into this conversation I am just going to be speaking about him. So I met Dominick in the Embodied Relationship Salon which we both do with two of our teachers and Dominick was someone from the start of that program I automatically felt really grounded with his breath, with his presence, with this mission you can just feel it oozing out of him and being in this man's presence, and knowing his background especially now, I can see how fiercely he/you are devoted to your mission to build a new way for men to be walking around through this planet and that's what we need more of in this world is people who are willing and ready to stand up to pave a new way and to do it boldly like you have so much confidence. So I just really am grateful for this man's presence in this line over the past nine months that we've been diving deep and it's a pleasure to have him on the podcast today. So Dominick officially welcome to the show.
Dominick: [14:30] thank you Madelyn and because this is your show you don't have a lot of opportunity for people to acknowledge the work that you do because you're interviewing others. Give me a moment, one of the things that I've witnessed in spending the last nine months in these workshops with you is that you have a deeply practiced feminine and while I have given you this feedback in private moments your ability to transmit what you are feeling to drop deep into that emotion and to allow me to experience that and reveal the truth of your heart regularly is very well practiced and you can evoke many things from me and masculine that others who are more closed or haven’t done the work that you have yet, you're able to get me to do things to move into that space with much more ease and effectiveness because of the work that you put in.
Madelyn: [15:26] thank you and I'm receiving that fully. As you were talking I was thinking about our last together *laughs* can we share a little bit of like what we so people will have a little bit of a mental picture of like the kind of work that we've done together; how did this practice go?
Dominick: [15:44] yes, so there were four of us in a group in a pod it was you and another women, and another gentleman and so the women were practicing their feminine the men we're practicing masculine and it was my turn to embody this shadow side of myself and one of the darker energies that I've wanted to work on is this killer. This killer that I have inside of me, this Silent Assassin. So there's this part of me that would kill for the people that I love, would strike down any injustice, like I would, I would be swift there wouldn't be collateral damage, I could precisely take you out and there's that part of me that's been told that's not okay, right, like it's obviously I'm not talking about actually killing someone in real life but like that, that ability to step into darker energy and this space gave that part of me room to breathe. So my job in the moment is to demonstrate in what's called sacred theater, basically acting out, what it would be like to be this silent killer; this Silent Assassin. And, Madelyn, and this other woman, were to be the recipients of that and that was a real edge for me because not only have I been taught how to treat women from my first teacher who was my mother, amazing like taught me respect for women and then all the other women coaches that I had in the course of my life and friends. I have a deep rooted respect for women to show this like killer edge to order Madelyn around to say, get on your knees and to maybe pull her hair, maybe put my hand on her throat, like those were all very deep edges for me that I'm like I don't know if I'm doing, if I'm allowed to this, and the first round of that exercise, I go through with what I think I and I'm reading Madelyn and this other women to look at am I going too far. When I felt like I really pushed past my comfort zone, after round number one they all give me feedback, and Madelyn of the things that you said and your partner said was I wanted more aggression. I wanted more roughness I wanted more.
Madelyn: [18:12] I think I said more violence.
Dominick: [18:13] yes, which blew my mind. I imagine right like someone listening is probably like whoa what do you mean more violence, how did that occur to you?
Madelyn: [18:23] the way that I see the like certain words is going to be different from the way anyone else hears and feels about certain words, you know violence to me really meant I want more of your masculine risk in that moment, it's probably different for other people but whenever I said that whenever I'm thinking that word I mean, conscious violence. That is the difference very different from unconscious; conscious violence meant I want you to feel my heart as you grip, my throat and grip it a little tighter. When I say more violence I just mean literally use even more heartt as you go even tighter even more risk because when your heart stays connected and you’re with me and you’re maybe even hold the eye contact, while you're shoving me around with love like not only am I feeling very served from that because it is part of my taboo and pushing me to the edge but in a way where I actually feel safe to go to a place of maybe a little more pain because I kind of like pain. I mean, that's, I do. The problem is, is when it's unconscious it's not intentional it's not directed, it's not in a container.
Dominick: [19:38] and what you are saying is so important Madelyn, you and I had had maybe six or eight months of history leading to that moment. So there is a baseline of trust, there was another woman who was part of the group that I met at a previous event or like she had, you know followed my work and so like these are all really important parts of the conversation to bring in because it wasn’t like meeting someone for the first time and more violent. I think that what you were asking for around this conscious violence had in part to do with everything you mentioned, the history and our relationship, and it's made me think of over the last three or four years, I've really started to go deep into my inner work, and I started my inner work about 10 years ago but like really going into the deep space around intimacy. I found over the last few years, my romantic partners have been calling my dark side hard core like, so my natural way of being intimate is I'm quite loving, I like to go slow, I like to feel, I like to have heart open connection and so do my partners, but like the, not just one woman but three or four women and I have not had a ton of partners over the last three or four years, but three or four women were like, I want you to fuck me. I want you to rape me. I want you to bend me over and spank me. I want you to choke me like those kinds of things that they were calling for that felt they felt hard for me because I don’t that to women and what I was recognizing as I became more trustworthy man they felt more and more comfortable and safe to open up their carnal desires like you said before part of your taboo is, you know, experiencing that because they know that what underlies was trust and respect and love so it can allow me the latitude to bring into darker places. That has been one of my biggest lessons doing this work.
Madelyn: [21:47] I read a post recently I was talking about Dom and Subs and the dynamics of them and what it really means on one layer if someone is new to this work it feels like, but I lose my power when I let someone have that kind of aggression towards me so I making it very clear and just like the post I read the Dom/Sub dynamic is what you're doing is saying, you have earned my trust, and you have proven to me, it's a good thing to trust you. It actually leads me to good places when I hand over responsibility to you for a bit. It doesn't mean you have surrendered and waving a white flag and no longer have any control or say, it's the fact that you have you have this proven track record because it does require slowing down to get to this place it's not just from the start but in relationships specifically when someone has proven that they lead you well to good places and it may not be what you want but what you need and they see something deep within you and like going back to what we were talking about but be like that anyway the guy I am dating right now I told him I have been so in masculine recently please know that I need a very dark spanking when I see you next and he said don't worry I'm going to be spanking you because know I am so open to what I need and I'm like, I feel so elite like everything is all the i's are dotted and t’s are crossed like my consciousness masculine man is gonna be the one to put me in my place because he has proven he can do that and it is nourishing. So for you wanting, I can totally that you have such a kind of loving heart and that's one flavor that the feminine loves, the feminine typically when she's in her sovereignty and making the choice to do so, also knows that she can be greatly benefited from this delicious warrior protector killer energy.
Dominick: [23:47] yeah, and what you're saying is that this is not a relinquishment of power and as a masculine how it feels to me is actually, it's at the height of your power to be able to discern that I am someone that you are bestowing this honor of trust within. It is the deepest, it is the deepest acknowledgement I like just hearing you say, I need a dark spanking like that is power that is the height because not only do you know what you need you know how to communicate it, and you know to how to identify the man that is worthy of giving that to you; that is, ultimate power and we experience it, I experienced it as just that.
Madelyn: [24:34] wow, that chunk right there I just have goosebumps all over because you just nailed everything so perfectly and create a snippet out of it then just replay it all the time because that was so spot on is like, I know what I need cuz I've done my own inner work. So that's already very helpful so if saying, I wish he knew what I needed what I need, I was already setting him up for failure because he is not sure what I need but I know exactly what I need because I can see my masculine and I know what I need is to be put in my place. Being a feminine and it's already opening up something within me that that then the world can be gifted by because I feel open. The same thing going back to, to you before we tie up this experience version of the podcast but, like I was saying at your, your heart is so genuine and so kind and that flavor is so delicious and there's a deep yearning in the feminine to know that their partner can hold all of them and there's more trust whenever there is that, what's the right word aggression side like conscious aggression.
Dominick: [25:49] the conscious warrior right like the one, one who can like who can swiftly put her in her place and who can who can put a boundary up and say enough right like those kinds of things and also for her to know that when I go out in the world and there's someone who presents a threat to us, or you know like that could bring upon that injustice to someone else who can't stand up for themselves, to be able to like step up and hold that or when the situation becomes too chaotic, like that, I've got it. She needs to be able to see that and to feel that and so, yes, and that is one think that is one thing I want more men to know is especially men who are working on opening their hearts, is yes women want to feel your open heart but they also don't want a soft man and when I when I say by soft, its softness is not it's not a negative word, but when you have just the open heart and you don't have that conscious warrior and don't have the ability to lay down boundaries and don’t have the ability to stand up then she loses some respect for you because she knows that she can step all over you and maybe she still loves you she just doesn't want to fuck you the same way. I have certainly seen that with some of the men that have come through the salon but also some of the men that I have coached before to.
Madelyn: [27:20] she will secretly begin to resent you for letting her get away with that. I've had a lover that was all heart and I have had a lover that was all warrior, and I need to know that depending on what the moment calls for when can both meet the occasion, like same for me like I mean I've been at one point in my life just like I would say, what's the, the Oracle Card that's more stern like the High Priestess and then I've been like the inner child Flower Power just all over the place, and I want to find this place in the middle and I think that is what we're all doing right now is figuring out what we need in partnership and being responsible for that and then also doing what we can to call that forward in the person in front of us. Okay. So, today, one of the things you talk about so well, especially for men, because you are a men’s leader, I'd love to hear a little bit of your background on this podcast as well just talk about you here, but just so everyone listening to the room, there is this movement and this trend that we're seeing in the world right now, which is so beautiful in so many ways of women stepping into their feeling more, that's what I teach, how you get your feeling like that's so important and we do not want to lose portion of the doing, the moving forward to build a feeling and understand feeling, but also get out of bed at each morning and eat the way we need to eat to feel our best and we want to create a business and be a creative, how to do that with structure so you actually do it and this is what you do, specifically for men, that's like, How to Be A Man Amongst Men is your podcast title but you have such a large female audience and the females of the world want to know how to support their men in being this but there are so many nuggets the masculine is masculine is masculine within all of us. So that's where we're headed, share a little bit more about your journey and story and then we will get into that and how it applies to women.
Dominick: [29:38] the men that I work with is a particular way to describe them is they are publicly decorated, and privately confused. Right, so they're they've achieved the traditional level of success right they made money, they may have achieved a certain level, they may have families, and then internally they're feeling bored, restless, trapped in the life they've created for themselves, and they don't know why. The other audience that I tend to work a lot with are women, successful women in male dominated businesses so this is why these two groups exist because I spent 15 years in financial services working for a fortune 100 company called Prudential Financial and I ran a large sales organization for the eastern half of our country they have 1.4 billion sales goal like high stakes. I had an amazing career 15 years in this one company and I didn’t want to look anywhere else even though like I never was really interested in the business to begin with. I followed this default path, go to college, you know, go to school, get good grades, go to college, get a good job where I could excel, where I could make good money, I could be a breadwinner, you know set myself a future opportunity and I did all those things it was great and in the financial services arena if you do well you know you can money away and so I hit some of these goals that I wanted to and I had a certain level of freedom with where I wanted to go next but when I turned 30 and I am 41 now, when I turned 30 I had by far the best year financially. I tripled my sales goal, it was one of those magical years they rewrote the compensation plan after like that year because it was just like we can't pay someone that like that kind of thing. I hit that year it was oh, this is good as it get like financially speaking kind of it was the first time I became number one in the company for that year amongst salespeople I was younger than pretty much on doing jobs and I hit these things that I wanted faster than I thought I would get and the feeling wasn't there. The feeling that I thought this like, Oh, this, this blissful state of Narnia that will now that will now to me I'm okay but it didn’t come and I started to project out for the rest of my career if this is as good as it gets and doesn't feel very good I'm probably not gonna have a year like this for a long time if ever and that really scared the shit out of me. What the rest of my life could feel like I have really no other direction where to turn. I didn't know, you know, like I just been following this path my whole life of what I was supposed to do. So that was really the first time that I turned to someone to ask for help because as a man you don't ask for help that was what I was taught and like most men do I went the woman in my life who I know would not judge me and would nourish me and her name is Grace and is like one of my deepest friends in my life and still continues to be. She pointed me in the direction of personal development. Now I've got Four Hour workweek by Tim Farris she got me the way of the superior man by David Data and then she pointed me to Landmark Forum for you know, personal development work, and that began, she created a monster. That's how I ended up in the world of personal development. I left Prudential Financial back in 2016, and since then I'd working with those men who are publicly decorated privately confused and more recently, over the past year or so speaking to many women's groups and I run my own women's retreat here for high performing women who have built their entire career, you know top 30 year careers VP Senior VP business owners in male dominated environments where they are super successful in their masculine energy, but they're exhausted, their intimate lives are in chaos, and they're there in this chronic state of guilt in anything self-care oriented. I think that brings us up to speed on all the things.
Madelyn: [33:58] beautiful. Quick question just popped in my head; do you ever wish that you had all of this information, the feminine masculine polarity, nonviolent communication, and the landmark forum, all of this stuff back in your 20s?
Dominick: [34:16] I wish I had this in my single digits. I think things like mindfulness, things like learning how to feel my emotions, to name the emotion, to move through the emotion, to identify the emotion I want to see the masculine and feminine polarities yeah, all of this stuff would have been really useful. I saw I saw this meme on Instagram once where it said hey, I'm really glad we spent an entire year learning about parallelograms because it can be really during parallelograms season this year. Instead of learning how to do your taxes instead of learning how to communicate your emotions we learn about this stuff that maybe like a one decimal point of the population will ever put to use. So yeah, I wish I had this a long time ago now having said that was also my personal journey, you know, there's that there's something to be said for that to.
Madelyn: [35:16] *ad* excuse me while I interrupt this program, to bring you the feminine spirit school, the feminine spirit school is the all in one stop shop for all things feminine and masculine creating your own feminine fire, your own feminine flow your own heart, I get emails all the time from people saying I love hearing about the feminine masculine but how is that I create my own feminine, how is that I reveal my feminine if I really want my partner to step up and lead me more what does that look like for him. The truth is the focus isn't supposed to be on him you can create more polarized relationship, by going deeper into your own feminine, take the focus off your lover your partner or your bumble dates because that's not where the shift is going to happen. You cannot change anyone else in fact emasculates him and what you can do is go deeper into your own feminine and learn what it looks like to feel pleasure in your body, to open your own heart in the moments you want to withhold and close, to heal your ancestral lineage maybe the women that have come before you have not had a voice. So learning how to speak your own truth again and I don’t mean that in the new age speak your truth, but I mean legitimately go into that throat chakra and clear it out and let sound come out, sound that reveals how it is that you feel about something, if you want to learn the tools and the practices, and the embody practices that I do on a daily basis, the ones that have changed my life the ones that have led me to men who are at this very high caliber and who have helped me step into my inner child and who have helped me go back in those wounds and heal them and get into my sensuality again coming from a religious upbringing where that was not allowed. If you want to learn all these practices and tools and have two live zoom embodiment calls with me where I lead you through embodiment with other soul sisters, then come join us we have 10 more days left of the Early Bird for the Spirit School live, which is for anyone who was craving to go into your feminine this is the place to do it, especially if you've been wanting to do work with me but the time hasn't been right, this is the best place to go. This is my lowest offering with that one on one connection with me without it necessarily being one on one because I made this course, so that I could control how you learned about embodiment polarity feminine masculine, I wanted you to learn it in a certain way. So I created this course, it's really structured to help you go into the feminine the masculine sensuality inner child ancestral healing shadow work all these things in a way that gradually lead you deeper and deeper and deeper so it's not blasting your nervous system with too much at once. So go ahead and check out the link, Madelynmoon.com/feminine-spirit where you can sign up, you can see testimonials, you can learn who is leading guest practices because we do have some guests come in and lead things, and all the other perks included in it. So join now while the early bird special is still up, it's gonna be taken down in about 10 days and for the first 10 women who join they also get a free one on one session with me we're almost out of those so if you're curious about getting a one on one, you can also email me but chances are if you're listening to this podcast now we still have some up and available, and I'll let you know if you just messaged me on DM whether or not those are still available. Alright, so that's all that I want to share about the feminine spirit school, I can't wait to see all of you who join, we begin January 6th officially together and keep in mind you have lifetime access so if you're a busy gal, you got a lot of things going on starting in January, you can sign on up and then you'll have your entire life to go through in a way that feels easy and breezy and luscious and pleasurable because the way you learn about the feminine is just as important as what you learn about the feminine. Let’s head on back over.
Madelyn: [39:38] being in the feeling of life it can be so immersive it just feels like your whole body is being swallowed up by an ocean and sometimes that feels to some people like excruciating and to some people, it feels incredibly opening and sometimes a combination of both and one of the things I'm really passionate about and you're just the perfect person to speak on this is how to be in that and then also be able to kick butt and take names in the world. I'm feeling really on fire about this recently, just because I have woken up to a lot of my own stories about being a human design projector and being an empath and being an introvert, like the world can take on so much energy, and I've noticed that that's a way that I've stayed small and I've lived in the world of I can’t and I will try and I'm so over that because I'm better than that. I'm stronger than that and so are all the women who listen to this show. So if we could create like three ways that women can begin to create their own mental toughness but…
Dominick: [40:30] I have another word for you. Madelyn what we're referring to is one of the most popular podcasts that we've run on my podcast which we just by the way renamed it's called the great man within podcast, used to be called the man amongst men is five practices to make you a mentally tougher man. The reason why we did that podcast is because most men think that they're mentally tough, but in my experience, most men will collapse, when it comes to an argument with their feminine partner, the collapse when it comes to, you know, feeling overwhelmed by their work and collapse comes in many different forms right collapse could be drinking too much collapse could be becoming a workaholic, gambling, withdrawing, isolating, porn, there's any number of ways pick your poison. I call it mental toughness, because my audience is primarily men and that's the language that they will listen to but what I'm really Trojan horsing is building their mental capacity and it's actually less about their mental capacity, it's really their emotional capacity. I don't use the word emotions in a title of a podcast because guys won't listen to it so I am just learning where to meet them and guide them. So with your audience what we're talking about here is really starting to develop until a mental and emotional capacity and that's a depth and a breath and also being able to pull on these levers of masculine feminine energy and one of the beautiful parts of my journey is that I had a chance to spend 30 plus years of my life in the masculine dominated world that I lived. Masculine, left-brain oriented, goal setting, goal crushing you talk about financial services, and like massive goals, it all comes down to these masculine here's a goal by when and in sales it's even more masculine and rigid it's time to make 500 phone calls, you'll get 400, you'll get 100 meetings and have those hundred meetings, you know, 25 of them will turn into clients because it's very rigid in those numbers but if you stay true to that it typically shakes out and you hit your numbers. I had a chance to see a lot of people do very well in that space but they're also completely devoid of their feeling. That's why I like these people burn out and that's why a lot of my work is people feeling burnt out because they miss the feeling, they override it. Now over the last three and a half years I've had a chance to go into this arena where people are working in their feminine tapping into what they’re feeling moment by moment, allowing versus to going out in the doing and when I see the pendulum swing too far to that end, and what I end up seeing is people and this is not just women but men who are cultivating this to, they become slaves to their emotions, and they get dragged around like when it's too far in the extreme they get dragged around by the wild horses of their emotions and they wake up one day to say, I want to write a book, or I want to launch a business and I want to get 20 clients into this program over the next 90 days, and that feeling is so real, it's so rich it's so profound like maybe it lights up like the Fourth of July fireworks you're like you know on a deep level this is what you want and then you wake up the next morning, without explanation but anxieties are there, the lack of motivation is there and you're like, you know what, maybe, and then like you allow that become the emotion of the moment and you're like, you know what, I'm just gonna take this day off. The next day becomes the same thing and then you're like you know what maybe that was just a pipe dream maybe that wasn't a real feeling but it's really is potentially just resistance from this like big thing that felt so powerful for you. So, again on the ends of the spectrum I can see people getting dragged around by their emotions and you know that's happening when you start a lot of things, and you do not finish them. You get really fired up and passionate about something, only to like leave it open ended before you finish it and then you start to get in this negative mind state of oh my god I can never finish anything and that starts to spiral on itself. The other extreme end of the spectrum is like you just purely live by structure goal setting goal crushing ignoring your feelings and emotions and when you achieve those goals like, in many cases most people don't even feel the success because they've just spent so much time overriding suppressing their feelings. So, one way Madelyn that I've really seen the balance come back and being able to pull these to create this beautiful dance between your masculine and feminine energies is if you can really feel into, I use the feminine energy to feel into, like, what is it that I want that would light me up. One of the ways that I did that is to just listen and a few months ago this major vision came to me around. I want to help 10 million men make a 10 year commitment of doing inner work on themselves like if 10 million men could make a long term commitment to doing inner work on themselves if they had a men's group that they can meet with regularly if they had a path to learning emotional fluency and mindfulness and refining whatever works for them in the community of other men than I could actually help to create a tectonic shift in masculinity which also helps to elevate and accelerate what women are doing right. That happened through listening my whole body lit up and it also provided the sense of like, not just excitement but like a knowing that that was my path; that came from being in my feminine energy. Then I wanted to leverage my masculine energy around, well then if that's going to be possible over a 10 year period and that that requires like a commitment. What do I need to do over these next 30 to 90 days? Like what would need to be possible at the end of these 90 days and that's, that's a masculine exercise, you know, over these next 90 days, then I want to hire somebody that's going to be a part of my team to help me build that out. I would want to have a game plan for 2020 as to like what's the program I'm going to launch that starts to, you know, like, put numbers in this group and a community of men and like you I had a few of those masculine things and so I also anticipated the ups and downs of my emotions that this is like a huge part of the process. So I anticipated that there were going to be days where I would feel so lit up so clear that this was my divine path and I also anticipate there is going to be days where I woke up, I was fearful. I knew I was going to face rejection, and I was going to want to say fuck it, I would want to have days where I would just watch TV for hours and escape and numb out, and knowing that some of those were going to come and allowing some of those days to happen, but also constantly recommitting to that this big thing that I envisioned and trusting that and that's where my feminine energy comes in, again, the trust that that path is mine even on the days where I feel least connected to I will still move forward and not be dragged around with a fuck it it's too hard. I just shared a lot so maybe I'll stop talking here, and see if anything I've just said makes sense and if you need clarification.
Madelyn: [48:19] everything made sense and I love that you're bringing in this is the feminine, this is the masculine to kind of remind people what points are you in a feminine energy and what points are you in the masculine. Secondly, I love that you stated that already like once you once you felt the mission from allowing the feminine you knew okay how, like my masculine is going to serve me to get there with structure with the way create that 60-90 days already there is a nice tight container, you know in 60 days you're going to reevaluate or however long you choose, and then also knowing from the start I'm not always going to feel this way, the way I feel right in this moment. Kind of like love; when you're in the honeymoon you love someone, you also have to know that love is going to the definition of love to you is going to change and it's a verb. You love and you are committed and you are in relationship if you choose to be regardless of the feeling. So, same kind of thing a lot of times, we will feel something so strongly and be immersed in that experience in the moment and kind of just assume it's always going to be this way when we feel this kind of shift, especially now in this intuitive day and age I am seeing a lot of people wondering, oh this is now my intuition just saying that it's not right. I just did a podcast on this and I would be curious to hear your thoughts on, when something let's say it's more days than you would like where you wake up and feel the Netflix yearning, and you're like, oh god, how to write a post today but I wrote a post last week and I'm exhausted. Oh, I don't want to email any more people. If you begin to notice more of these, here's what I know my audience will be asking; how do you know if it's the difference between this is no longer where I want to be and it's my intuition genuinely saying turn around go back, go somewhere else or it is the resistance of doing the work?
Dominick: [50:21] yes, I love this question and I'm glad you asked it because I think it's really important to reemphasize something that maybe I hit but like I really, I really didn’t nail and this is again pulling on the feminine lever. So I'm just gonna use my own personal example, this idea of having 10 million men in this 10 year path, doing inner work on themselves the step I had to take that went beyond that was actually the full feeling of having accomplished that. So like fully dropping into the, like, this is where the is the juice worth like really getting clear on what that happened right now it's it just sounds kind of like a sentence 10 million on a ten year path, whatever but like to actually enter the world with 10 million men in this unified movement. Now, I'm picturing the communities they operate in, I am picturing the businesses that they lead, I'm picturing like the woman in their lives and the children that they are raising, I am starting to feel the healing of everyone that's in that ecosystem. I'm starting to look around at the men that like are part of my tribe and I could see their smiling faces and I could see how trustworthy they've become I'm watching how they, their journey from the past 10 years, and how they become much mentally tougher and stronger men and more honoring of the feminine like all that I go deep and deep and deep and deep, because it's feeling that I'm after. Anytime we set a goal, it's because of the feeling that it's after. So for any one of the women in your community who are thinking about like I want to build this business, maybe I have 50 women that I want to be a part of this mastermind or whatever it is that are paying me that I have six figures. Okay, those are goals but like really getting clear on what does that then bring to you in your life. The goals themselves may be the finish line it's like running a race, and getting to the finish line okay I've gotten to the finish line but what happens after I cross the finish line? Well okay now you're a hero like now you're now you've had the life and the freedom that you want. If you can get really clear on what life is like after you've achieved that thing you want and if your body can continue to light up around that, if you're if like that essence is so deep and so rich, that's when you know, during the hard times when you feeling like there's more than those Netflix desiring days than you know, wanting to do the work days. If you can still go back to that feeling and still feel the payoff of having achieved this thing that you said you want if you could still feel a glimmer of that then it is worth staying the course, and it's most likely it's some sort of resistance, that's causing you to watch Netflix versus if there's a complete absence of feeling around that payoff than potentially, it's your intuition telling you it is no longer that important to you.
Madelyn: [53:28] that was all so spot on and what I would add to that is you want to enjoy the process of whatever it is you're creating as much as that end feeling and I love you brought it in is different, we're moving towards and while in the realm of online businesses or being a teacher, a lot of times people I've noticed really want to create something because the feeling they will get is possibly validation. So they want to have 115,000 Instagram followers or have a very popular blog because of the feeling of validation, and this is only if it's not, this is a, this is an unconscious yearn so it's not that people are really need to be validated like this is not something most people don’t know.
Dominick: [54:18] Madelyn, you're hitting the like the essence here, it's, it's, most people are actually unclear on why they are going after this thing. So right so it's like 115,000 Instagram followers like I need to get 150,000 Instagram followers and then you set that into motion and you wake up one day and you're not feeling connected to it and you want to give up on it. It's because you haven't done the work at the outset, which is the okay but if you got 150,000 Instagram followers how would your life be different? What, what would that provide you? What's the payoff for that and if you said like what you just said is this validation to what wait a minute that is a hell of a lot of work to go through just to get validation and aren't there a number of other ways. I know people who have six figure Instagram followers who don't make a dime. You know like they're the, you know, and then they're feeling unfulfilled and they spent all this cosmic energy trying to get there, they're there and now there, and it's and it is not much different than a lot of the men that I work with, who have millions of dollars in the bank who have spent decades of their career and they've built this entire life around them that their whole life sits upon and they're also feeling wanting. It's because at the very outset we are very unclear on what this thing this arbitrary goal that we have an arbitrary goal is typically masculine. It's a number right I want to make six figures. I want to work with corporate women. I want this many followers, those are all masculine goals but the reason why you set those is because you're after a feeling of some kind and if you are feelings aren't clear on that the very thing you're going after could be the opposite of what you're getting.
Madelyn: [56:07] it leaves you feeling empty. Tony Robbins talks about this and he uses the example of Robin Williams and he talks about how Robin Williams was this classic example of someone chasing the arbitrary goal, I don't know exactly how he put it into words but it was, you know, having these movies and making people laugh right but he said success without fulfillment is, it's a dead end; ultimate failure. So success without fulfillment; so the masculine without the feminine is the feeling of in this case the ultimate failure.
Dominick: [56:61] wow, I've never heard that quote broken down that way if you think about that success without the fulfillment; that's the masculine with the feminine is the ultimate failure.
Madelyn: [57:03] this goes for everyone listening to this, this doesn't matter if you identify as woman or man, like for anyone and this is important to know your building anything when you're writing a book, why are you writing it, is it writing for the fame aspect or is it because of the, dare I say pleasure. The reason why I show up on this podcast is because of the pleasure I get from it. I mean it's been it's effortless for me to do this really, at this point I just it's just built into my body and who I am, it's like so much joy for me. Whereas, doing a webinar, I did that maybe two times and the feeling was so opposite and it wasn't worth it because I didn't enjoy the journey, and I don’t why webinars just drives me crazy doesn't work for me. So being able to pick and choose like these are the structures I'm going to use because they also do to some extent, bring me joy, doesn't mean I love brushing my teeth every day, but I do find something that I enjoy about it having fresh breath and like there's still something like I can, I can sink into the pleasure of that, right, like I can sink into the pleasure of doing my taxes because I'm taken care of, I did what I'm supposed to my future is feeling pretty safe in regards to that arena.
Dominick: [58:20] so what you're again like you're just giving more examples of, you know why you're doing what you're doing; even this even this example of doing taxes if you can connect to the end state of having done the taxes, and that like all of your numbers are in order. Like, you can feel, you know what, I took care of myself right and like maybe I'm getting a tax return I can connect to that. Look how independent I am like being able to do things on my own versus having to pay someone like if you can connect the end state of why you're doing what you're doing then the process becomes I mean it could be pleasurable in some cases, right. So here here's another example of like another case like, my parents are now undergoing this massive process we found out our home has like molds everywhere it's like Chernobyl we had like a thing run it's like toxic so in a very short period of time had to like move every item of content out of our entire house and it is a big house right and in a short period of time my parents are in their 70s. That is not fun whatsoever and I'm the one who's now managing that process, because like I feel like I'm the most capable of being able to handle that. Now if I'm not connected to the end state of I am creating a healthier environment parents, I have this opportunity to step up and to really care for them because they cared for me and set me up in my life in ways that most people will never get the benefit of, I get a chance to explore the depth and the breadth of my capacity to love them and to handle stressful situations and to manage it with love and presence. Now this thing that would typically occur to me and to many other people as this massive inconvenience is now occurring to me a beautiful opportunity to practice to spend more time with my parents and show them how much I love them and is it desirable, and pleasurable every moment of the day? Absolutely not, I spent the two hours before we got on this call calling carpet cleaning companies and getting quotes, I don't really particularly love that but I do love being able to show and demonstrate to my parents how much I love them. So you can do this with anything and I think just one last thing to drop it to drop it down for maybe the woman who's listening, who's maybe feeling overwhelmed by all this; let’s do a one week experiment, seven days take something that you've been thinking about doing. Now, whether it's to work out regularly, whether it's to create beautiful one on one time with your partner, whether it's getting eight hours of sleep every night, whether it's creating one piece of content for your business, like whatever those things are can you for seven days create a goal for yourself? Don't make it overwhelming just something that you know at the end of the seventh day if you were to do it, you would feel a certain way. Proud about yourself accomplished about having laid a foundation and then drop into the feeling of already having accomplished it. Make sure the payoffs are there and your body's not lighting up than refine it into a place where it is and then once you've got the good stuff and feel that all yeah that's it now you have your plan, am I going to do for the next seven days with that and play with it and also allow yourself the freedom and the and the permission to some days be like fuck it but, get back on the horse just for seven days. Make the commitment to yourself that you'll push past the resistance, even if you think your intuition is telling you to opt out, seven day commitment.
Madelyn: [01:02:19] yes, please everyone seven day commitment, I love the container of that it's only seven days and you might as well take some cold showers while you're at it because that's immediately embodied into that state of doing something that might be kind of uncomfortable and help you like tap into that energy. Beautiful, so I want to make sure that we're honoring of your time and there's one little thing we didn't get to get to on this episode but maybe if we can go through it really quickly if we have enough time. You surveyed, some men about things that drive them crazy in bed specifically, yes?
Dominick: [01:02:58] actually, in or out of bed.
Madelyn: [01:03:01] oh, okay. So, that was going to be possibly one of the focuses of today's podcast, but what we discovered was so freaking good so let's do this like a quick fire round way, lay it on us; what are some things that drive men wild?
Dominick: [01:03:15] some things that women do that drive men wild, I want to say the overarching theme Madelyn was expression and no words. A lot of examples I got back were full expression and like they didn't say, I don't want words, it was like the absence of words as part of this like what they want so right that hits right to the heart of what you talk about quite a bit. This one's fun, play fights. Men love, and I could speak to this personally men love play fights. So, when women does something maybe to antagonize like a man's about to eat and she grabs his fork or she'll grab the remote out of his hands, the remote is the man wants in his hands, and she'll look at him and hold it to her like come get this right, and then you know maybe it turns into a tickle fight or maybe she kind of slaps around; just play fights. Those are awesome, so that's fun that could also turn into sex which is a lot of what men like. The mouth, okay, there's a lot of stuff that women can do with just their mouths, that can have us mesmerized. So licking her lips and while making eye contact with her man, putting on lipstick while looking at him it is just a thing like just lips, lipstick, and lip gloss put on slowly seductively. I know I have, like, the, there's an intimate partner who I was with who was like really awesome at using her tongue during sex, not on me, but just like letting her tongue roll around in her mouth or roll around outside of her mouth while she kept like her eyes locked on me; mesmerized. I think the third and final one; I mean I had a lot of categories here but just in the essence of wrapping this conversation, transmitting the pleasure of your body to us. See, like when a woman is in her feminine pleasure, I had a really like I've learned this quite a bit in the John Weinland Salon when women are fully expressing their pleasure it is show stopping and un-ignorable women that I didn't even think that I would be physically attracted to, can cause me to stop in my tracks, men will walk into fucking building, like he will walk headfirst into phone poles, we will crush our cars when woman is fully embodied in her pleasure and that could just be drinking a cup of tea that's soothing to her and just watching her like dropping into relaxation or eating something where she starts to maybe like moan a little; even what you're doing right now. Right. There's something that we as men and our masculine no matter whatever pleasure we're feeling we can't seem to transmit that the way that someone who's feminine can transmit it and as a result of it I can feel a fraction of your pleasure, and the fraction of your pleasure is better than any pleasure that I can experience.
Madelyn: [01:06:12] *moans* that? The more I'm spending time with conscious men doing this work, the more I'm seeing them allow themselves to enjoy the pleasure, and it's only reminding me. Like seeing you, you giving me feedback of watching me feel my body as I am listening to you and you are enjoying it and we're constantly feeding each other when you get into this realm of being around people in this kind of work it's amazing like you starting to reveal and seeing the masculine enjoying it, loving it and then you wanting to reveal more that is just the way that you just said that last part, revealing; revealing pleasure. Also bringing it back to one of the first things that you said revealing without any words, that is the true art and that is a divine feature for us women who are used to talking a lot. That's one of the themes I've been really wanting to have in some of my sessions is around like this talking isn't needed as much as we think, they won’t understand if I don't add these other sentences I just have something else I need to say instead you feel how it feels and hit home so much deeper and transmit what you’re feeling, and that inverts.
Dominick: [01:08:00] that is going back to where we started this conversation where I acknowledged you for your practice. It's like I've witnessed you many times where, where I have done sacred theater and I've transmitted something that didn't feel good for you, you would say hmm very quickly, and I'd be like okay that was like a feedback and there were times where I was like ahh, okay, it is just those little micro movements and words that very quickly communicate to me where I stand with you and then it alleviates the need for words and it is much more quick and much more precise.
Madelyn: [01:08:43] so Dominick before we let you go, where can people connect with you on the online space?
Dominick: [01:08:47] the podcast is something we are extremely proud of so like you mentioned before half of our audience ends up being women and that is “The Great Man Within” podcast and it is something I would love everyone to take a listen to and we also have our website called “doinnerwork.com” and we have few free downloads for people who are looking to get into this stuff. We actually have a PDF on the five steps to become a mentally tougher man so for the women who want to download that and potentially pass that on to their partner; “doinnerwork.com/5practices” and on that page you will see that we have a bunch of book lists too. “Twelve books every man must read”, “15 books written by women that men will love” so those are just some resources for men if you just go to “doinnerwork.com/5practices” all that stuff is there and available for free download.
Madelyn: [01:09:55] thank you so much. If you were to say there is one book that everyone should go out and get right now; which one would that be?
Dominick: [01:10:02] “Modern Manhood” written by Cleo Stiller. She just released it about a week and a half ago and she is a reported and she decided to write a book called Modern Manhood and the conversation is about the complicated world of being a good man today and I was interviewed for the book and a few others. It is a really well thought out piece of literature that advances the conversation of what are the rules of masculinity? How can men and women work together to heal some these wounds and to going forward around dating and sexual pursuit and polarities? So Modern Manhood is the book that I am recommending to everybody.
Madelyn: [01:10:55] awesome, I will make sure I have the podcast, the free download and this book; all the links available on the show notes for this episode down below. Dominick thank you so much for joining us on Mind Body Musings, for your time, your energy and your guidance and leadership and the work you are doing in the world. If anyone is in New York City go sign up for his event series the “Discerning Dick” which is like the coolest title ever. I have been to an even and he does an amazing job holding a great container so go to those events take your partners and your guy friends you are not going to want to miss it.
Dominick: [01:11:32] you can go sign up at doinnerwork.com
Madelyn: [01:11:35] Dominick, thank you, thank you.