This One Thing Was Proof of My Eating Disorder Recovery- by Brandon Boylan
Recently my cousin gave me a calendar. It changed my life, and I want to shout from the mountaintop how amazing it feels. Since I live in Texas and we are devoid of any good mountains (and I’m not the outdoorsy type), writing this blog post is my shout. Hopefully you can resonate with the echo of my words.
Let me take a few steps back down the mountain before I start screaming. Less than two years ago my cousin did not even know my name. I was around him and had been for years. I was there for family events and holidays, yet still I was a shell of a person. Simply put, I was physically there. I was far from emotionally present, cognitively present, or even desiring to be present.
Seriously folks, I had to focus on what I was going to eat.
These heathens were eating crap and I was smarter than that. I had figured it out. They were doing it wrong and I was going to have to get out of there as soon as possible to eat real food. I would not become what they are, because I was better.
Sound familiar? If you’re reading this you likely have had the same thoughts and emotions running through your veins. Your sense of body and food took precedence over everything else. Plus, you were a miserable mess who, if you were going to be honest, hated your life, your self, your body, food, truth, lies, reality, judgement, opinions, and the fact that your family, such as was true with my young cousin, didn’t even know who the heck you were.
Fortunately, that is not who I am anymore. My cousin not only knows my name, he very adamantly told my aunt that the calendar he was giving me was specifically for me from him and only him. Even as I write this, I am on the verge of tears. It is not the calendar, but the act. It is a symbol, a metaphor if you will, for the fact that I am now an important part of my cousin’s life.
I matter to him not because of how much I squat or how toned my abs are; I matter because I am me.
Talk about some serious validation, folks!
My story is probably very similar to yours. I have tried all the diets. I have done all of the exercise strategies. I have loved my body on some days, hated it on others. I have restricted, binged, taken laxatives, eaten enough protein for a small country in Africa, and eaten too little carbs for a baby. I was a mess. Then finally I had some people, my family in my case (love you guys!), step in and get me into shape. By shape I don’t mean sixpack shape. I mean putting me in treatment and riding through the peaks and valleys as I mentally, emotionally, and spiritually figured out who the real Brandon is and wants to be in the future.
While on this journey, there has been a tremendous amount of learning. Hopefully on your journey you can say the same. I truly believe that we have the struggles we have in life to make us better people and better able to help others. With that in mind, I have created the following list of the five things I believe to be universally applicable practices to anyone trying to break free from a body dysmorphic lifestyle.
1. Embrace your weirdness
Sorry to break the news to you, friend, but you’re weird. Don’t worry everyone is in some way, shape, or form weird as well. It is what makes going through life each day interesting. It is why peoplewatching could be the next Olympic sport.
My weird is being an obsessed Star Wars fanboy and general goofball. I dance through the halls of the school where I work as a teacher, play jokes on my students, and sometimes become a walking oneman improv show. I am weird. So are you. Embrace it.
2 Find other weirdos
The fortunate fact about everyone being weird is that there are other people out there who can probably relate to your weirdness. Most of my friends are teachers because, trust me, there are some things only teachers could possibly understand. Along with that I listen to the podcasts that I do because they make me feel like a part of the greater community of weirdos I am a part of.
There is one caveat to this practice: it needs to be something other than fitness, food, dieting, etc. It’ll be hard, I know, because that is how you have identified for the longest time. How has that been working out for you? Exactly. Find a new weird. It just may save your life as it did mine.
3. Laugh
First of all, the scientific evidence behind humor is foolproof. When was the last time you felt bad while laughing? When was the last time you thought about your mile time, your bench press, or your next meal while laughing? See what I mean. It does not matter if you like childish humor, satire, or, as I do, selfdeprecating humor. Just laugh.
4. Get rid of toxic relationships
This one will probably be the hardest practice of them all. But if we are going to be real here, it is something we have to face. Some people we meet are just not healthy to be around. They may make you feel undervalued, unloved, or even unworthy of life. If you take the time to think about it, you know the sort of people I am talking about. Just cut him, her, or them off; don’t make a scene of it or some formal announcement. Simply delete their phone number, block them on social media, and remove them from all such contact methods. While you may think that this shout rings as harsh, in reality it is opening up a door for you to find your true self. It is the start of the path to embracing your inner weirdo.
5. Dance
This might mean literally dancing down the hallways of your place of employment or your kitchen. All the while, it might not be dancing at all. Dancing is simply a metaphor for freedom. Do what makes you feel free.
Every Friday my class has a dance party before we leave for the weekend. It began because one Friday I put on Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” (you know you like it, too) and the students started dancing. Then so did I, and I felt so amazingly free. I felt like nothing in the world could break through. I was invincible toward judgment, perception, opinions, and all the like. Now, everytime I dance I feel attune with my body, my mind, and my spirit. I feel like me.
Oh, I should add that when I dance I look like a less talented Carlton (shout out to Fresh Prince for the great tunes to groove to). Also, I don’t care. So dance. Dance your little touche off, damnit…. Feels good doesn’t it?
There are numerous other things you can do, as long as it makes you feel amazing about the beautiful mind, body, and spirit that you have. If it makes you feel whole, climb that mountain.
On a final note, when you get your calendar, be willing to cry. It feels so good.
When he was given THIS, he knew he finally recovered from his eating disorder
About the author:
Brandon Boylan is a self professed nerd and the epitome of “not cool.” For years he tried to deny it, but now, thanks to his recovery, he has come to accept that his “not cool”-ness makes him wonderful because well… it’s him. Nothing could be better than that.