I Still Have Bathroom Floor Breakdowns

What a sad thing it is, to spend the majority of your life obsessing over something that will one day turn to dust.

When I look at my past, I am filled with both gratitude and sadness. I’m grateful for the beautiful opportunities I was given with a generous family, a gentle upbringing, and a loving atmosphere. I’m also sad for the parts of me that were kept quiet out of fear of my insecurities.

I had let my insecurities hush the best parts of myself into silence.

When I was with my first partner, my first lover, I remember nights when we would cuddle falling asleep and all I could think about was his hand wrapped around my bare stomach. What does he feel? Is it too soft for his liking? At the time, I was at least 20 pounds underweight and simultaneously 20 times more insecure.

I remember in high school I once saw my English teacher at the grocery store and I nearly had a panic attack out of fear of having to speak up to say hello. I walked past him, nodded my head and whispered a muffled “hello.” Walking away, my mom asked me, “Why don’t you speak up? Nobody can hear you, Maddy.”

When I was in 10th grade I fell prey to depression and isolation from friends. At even that young of an age I found myself contemplating happiness. What is it? Do I have it? Can I find it?

I’ll never forget the years of my adolescence and the trials that came with them. Middle and high school were by far some of the most confusing periods of my life, and I will never pretend those years of my life didn’t contribute to the person I am today.

With all of those years of being quiet, I know what it can feel like to be misunderstood. It’s not a joke- it’s a really difficult time. But I also know how powerful it feels to break through those barriers and to say, “screw it” when you’ve had enough. Have you had enough?

It breaks my heart to open email after email from women asking me the same thing with different words: “I just want confidence.”

I don’t blame you.

Confidence is rad. It’s empowering. It’s supportive. And it stands on its own. The beautiful thing about confidence is that when you have it, you don’t need other people to confirm that you have it. Does it waver in strength? Sure. Just the other day I had a melt down before I took a big leap in my business and I called my mom to say, “I’m lost.” (and when I say “say” I actually mean hyperventilate)

Nobody is perfect. (“bahaha” at the idea of perfection)

The difference now versus then is that when I find myself having a bathroom breakdown moment, I don’t beat myself up for it. I accept and even embrace it because it reminds me that I’m not perfect, I’m not God, and that I am still growing. If I never doubted myself, I wouldn’t be growing. If I were capable of everything, I wouldn’t rely on God. If I was perfect, I wouldn’t be relatable.

If you’re following someone after reading their incredible book or listening to their awesome podcast, I beg you not to imagine that they have everything together. They don’t. And if they do, well awesome, good for them! But chances are, if that person doesn’t have their own struggles, that person is no longer growing.

When you have a bathroom floor breakdown, I invite you to welcome it. Look at all of your past moments of insecurity and see how much they have grown and stretched you.

You may not know precisely where confidence lives, but I’m here to tell you it’s not in a book, a podcast or a course. It’s inside of you: when you take radical responsibility for your life, you will take radical responsibility for it all.

I can now cuddle at the end of the night with my partner and not think twice about what he feels over my stomach because I’m confident in my body, ironically much fuller than back then. I’m confident in the fact that my body is just a body and it’s here for me to live inside of. That’s it. (plus let’s be real, like it’s said in Eat Pray Love if a guy gets a girl with him in a bed he’s already won the lottery; he’s not thinking about having less tummy to hold).

I can see a friend or a teacher or whomever and goofily scream “HEYYY!” without worrying what they are going to think. They may think I’m odd, but I totally am so that’s okay.

Where in your life have you been holding back out of fear of what people think? Are you still wasting beautiful, cozy moments obsessing over what someone thinks about your body? Are you too fearful to take a leap for your dreams because you believe that’s “just not for you”?

I invite you to adopt the fact that we all struggle with confidence at times, but the only way through it is to accept it and take a leap of some sort. Challenge this belief about yourself and welcome opportunities to prove your insecurity wrong. Chances are high that you will greatly impress yourself.