Find someone who doesn’t need to constantly hear your voice to know you have one. Find someone who knows you’re a leader even when you are following. Find someone who can remind you to surrender even though you’re strong as hell.
Find a partner who sees your tears and calls you strong. Someone who sits by your side when you’re unreasonably emotional and thanks you for opening up. A person who doesn’t need proof of your passion to know you have ambition.
Find someone who will gently whisper to you to give yourself some grace in moments you have none left.
This is an excerpt from a recent article I published on Thought Catalog (if you want to read the whole thing, go HERE). I was inspired to dive into this topic as it’s something ever-so-prevalent in our society.
Here is how the typical story goes:
Emily is eighteen years old. She is madly in love with her high school sweetheart. They date for a few years and she is head-over-heels for this guy who she calls her future fiancé. Then one day, Emily is shattered with heartbreaking news. He wants to travel. He wants to see the world. He wants to be single so he can experience everything he needs to experience before settling down.
Emily has no choice but to accept his decision. She tries to get back on her feet by exploring the world herself, dating new people and finding a career she is passionate about…but she can’t help but shake the feeling that she is unlovable. She can’t help but live with the subconscious belief that all men she loves will leave her for their personal freedom.
So, she becomes emotionally anxious. She attaches to men quickly. She doesn’t give them space. She calls it love, they call it insecurity. Her biggest fear is that she will never receive the amount of closeness and certainty in a relationship that she desires, so in efforts to create extreme closeness—she moves too quickly. She suffocates them. One after one, her heart continues to be broken by men who “abandon” her in the same fashion.
One day Emily asks herself, “What is the underlying factor here in all of this heartbreak?” She comes to the conclusion that it’s her. She is the underlying factor. So at the ripe age of 26, Emily goes to therapy. She works on her anxious attachment style. She begins to heal her own heart. She stops dating altogether to work on herself.
At the age of 30, Emily finds a man that is incredible. After years and years of being single and feeling all the feels, she is ready to let another man enter her life. She is ready to open up. She is ready to be vulnerable.
Even though she logically understands being vulnerable is okay, Emily struggles with finally opening up again. She struggles with trusting that her truth is safe with a partner. She believes that her emotions will be frowned upon. So she hides her emotions. She tries to be happy all the time. She tries to only show her light shadow but never her dark shadow out of fear that this man cannot handle it.
In this example, what do you think is going to inevitably happen? Typically, there are two outcomes.
The first is that she eventually shows her true self, including the entire spectrum of emotions, and she is right—he can’t handle it. He doesn’t have the capacity to hold space or he fears his own emotions so much that he can’t witness the emotions of another. If this is the case, the relationship will most likely end up in a breakup. Emily knows that she has a lot of emotions to experience and she doesn’t want to be with a partner who can’t handle it.
The second outcome is that she honors herself and realizes that after years of self-work, introspection, healing and therapy, she will never give her power to another person again. So she risks it all. She shows her wide range of emotions and risks being seen as “crazy” and “emotional.” And then something amazing happens…the witnessing of her emotional and vulnerable state gives him permission to also open up emotionally. The instigation of her own authenticity provides him with total freedom in also being emotional and free.
Which outcome do we all desire?
The second of course.
Here’s the key part: you have to be willing to risk it all. You have to be willing to put your heart on the line and bare your truth in order to know if he can handle it. If you dim your darkness, you also dim your light. And for what? For a date?
Instead, open up your heart. Cry. Show your emotion. Share your past. Be vulnerable with your trauma. Bond over both pain and joy. Experience it all.
It’s better to find out as early as possible if he can handle your emotion, then find out after six months or a year that he cannot handle your realness.
Additionally, how he treats your emotional self is how he treats his own emotional self. If he sees your tears and scoffs or dismisses you, he does the same thing with himself. Do not let yourself be minimized for another person. Be with someone who wants it all. After all, that is truly what the Masculine is: it’s the ability to hold space and presence. You, my dear Feminine goddess, fill the presence.
It’s been awhile since I’ve written a blog, so here are a few places around the World Wide Web you can hear more from me:
- 5 Reasons to Get Started with that Idea ASAP (this is for the procrastinating perfectionist!)
- Annabelle Blythe: Sovereignty Before Unity (this is for those who don’t take care of themselves first)
- Podcast Interview with Mike Miller of Simple Self Mastery (Ep 007)
- Podcast Interview with the two charming gents of Energy Matters (Ep 029)
- Life Goals Magazine on Why Your Femininity is the Best Medicine for Perfectionism
As always, you can hear from me each and every day on my Instagram— it’s probably the best way to keep up with my daily musings and truth bombs. Looking forward to seeing you there!
Did this post resonate with you? Don’t hesitate to comment below and let me know what spoke to you the most. I’m always here.