First thing’s first: it’s so great you’re here. I am so grateful this topic is important to you. Thank you, thank you. Secondly, know that I am not here to blame, shame or judge you. Additionally, I’m not here to say that women have perfect scores with men either. I know trust has been lost both ways– but this article is about ways men lose trust with women. I’m sure you can agree, this topic is needed.
Thanks to the #metoo movement, many women have finally had a safe space to come out and share their deepest, darkest pain points. Conscious men who are committed to making communication healthier and relationships better have been here for it… holding space, listening and asking questions.
If you have not heard this recently and you’re one of those men, we want you to know: we trust you more for it. Thank you. Thank you for listening.
In an ideal world, all women could have the necessary agility that is required to go from one archetype to another without strain.
For example, if she owns her own business she could go into the Badass Name-Takin Queen Archetype during the day and then transform into her Surrendered Open Goddess of Love Archetype.
This would be amazing for you men to witness and hold, yes?
Or, if she doesn’t run a business but she has some other sort of position that requires concentration and strength, such as being a mother, she could spend much of her day as the Intuitive AF Hand-Holding Superwoman Archetype and later, when she is in the sweet arms of her masculine counterpart (or the arms of her bed sheets if she’s living life single), she can transition into the Divinely Ravished Heart-Connected Goddess Archetype.
You’d like this yes?
Here’s the thing: and this is a big thing, so take note.
The Masculine’s job is to take the Feminine deeper than She can take herself.
To be clear, I’m not saying it’s a man’s job to take a woman deep. I’m saying THE MASCULINE takes the FEMININE deep– all of the Feminine in the world. From rivers, to women, to forests and wind. However She shows up.
And, it just so happens, in many relationships the man holds the masculine pole and the female holds the feminine. So for the sake of this article, we are going to look at how men can take women deeper into surrender and openness if he desires to be in the trustable masculine pole. And truly, this is a gift you can give all women. Even the single woman who’s your neighbor. YOU can be the trustable masculine for her.
The most important thing one can understand is that this kind of connection is built through trust so let’s look at the five ways men lose trust with women and how they can gain it back.
And a note to the masculine– you are healing the world when the feminine, and more specifically, females, are able to trust again. We are more creative because we are not walking on eggshells in life. We are more grounded. We are more open. We are more nourished. We are able to show up more as love. And that’s exactly what the world needs more of– compassion, creativity, love and light.
Here are the five ways men lose trust with women:
1. Men Not Being Honest with What They Can Handle.
She will be okay if he does not have the mental capacity to listen to her vent about so-and-so or talk about what color paint she should paint the basement. Really, she doesn’t care as much as she lets on.
What she DOES care about is knowing that when she is speaking to him, he’s present with her. As women we would rather have you tell us, “Baby, I’m completely spent from work today. I need one hour to take a shower, meditate and unwind. And after that I’ll be fully present with you to talk about the paint for at least 30 minutes until it’s time for dinner. And then, let’s unwind.”
Even though women may wish you could listen in that exact moment she wants to talk, many end up feeling resentful for talking his ear off when he truly couldn’t handle it. Men lose trust with women because women can’t count on them to be honest in regards to what they can and cannot handle.
The good news?
Men can just as easily win trust back with women by being clear and upfront– give her guidelines and a container to pour her energy into. (it’s not guaranteed, but it’s very likely this kind of leadership will turn her on too)
2. Men Lacking Follow-Through.
There are few things that make a woman feel truly seen as much as someone showing up when and how they say they will.
In an ideal world…
- If you say you’ll make the dinner reservations, you will.
- If you say you’ll call at soon, you will.
- If you say you’ll take the parent-teacher conference, you will.
That said, things change. Life happens.
And when plans change, have integrity in sharing it.
For example, if you say you’ll call at six but an important meeting just rescheduled to six, instead of pressuring yourself to do it all (most men are subconsciously programmed not to admit defeat, so they’ll go on thinking, “I can make it! I will still call at six! I can do it!” even though it’s already 6:30 and she’s way past grumpy about it) go ahead and send a simple message such as, “Baby, I said I’ll call at six but a meeting just arose. I will call you at eight or I will text you as the meeting wraps up.”
If you don’t keep an open line of communication when it matters most, the classic little boy who cried wolf example occurs.
Eventually, she won’t believe you when you say you’ll do something.
She may turn to being passive aggressive and roll her eyes saying, “Sureeeeee you’ll call me at six,” which will only lead to more resentment and closed-heartedness for both of you.
Remember, she WANTS to be able to rely on you. She WANTS to open her heart. The healing doesn’t all fall on you, to be clear, but this is a big thing you can do to help her open her heart where the masculine has fallen short in her past.
3. A Man’s Hesitation in Leadership.
What a woman wants to know is that you can hold her.
She wants to know you can hold her storm, her rage, her anger, her sadness, her pain, her fear and all of her other messier bits.
And in order to know you can hold it, she needs to feel your fierce king, your warrior and your might.
I’ll share my own personal preferences here (fully acknowledging preferences change from woman to woman– and we will get to that in a moment) around hesitation.
In a post feminist era, it’s taboo for a woman to publicly announce she desires to surrender, be submissive and fully let go. And yet, for women who run businesses, go to predominantly male workplaces, or even mother children, one of the deepest desires is often to finally stop making fucking decisions. It’s heaven.
Personally, I look for a King who can tell me what to do without hesitation. I want to feel the fullness of his weight on my body when we make love. I want to feel a spank, not a pat. I want to feel a tight grip on my arms, not a hesitant touch, as if I might break into a million pieces. I want to be told, “Be ready by 8,” not “Maybe, possibly, around 8 perhaps? What do you think?”
I’m not saying I don’t love tender touch and being included in some decisions. I do– I really do.
I’m also not saying I expect men to be without doubt or vulnerability. We want to see that too. But there’s a difference between saying, “I have to be honest that I’m nervous about leading you, but I’m going to do it anyways because it’s important to me” and tip-toeing around leadership, half in and half out.
Like most women, I desire range. I want to feel your forceful heart-connected king in the same way I feel your gentle lover. And it’s your might and grip that will actually make me trust you more. Because I physically FEEL your strength.
All women are different so this is a great place to play around and see how she responds. Read her body so well she doesn’t even have to say “bleh” if she doesn’t like something. (hint: if her eyes enlarge and she stops breathing, she may not like it. Loosen up and see what happens. Does she soften? Does she stay the same? Check in with her to see what she’s feeling).
You can energetically lead with might and weight without physically laying a finger on her.
4. Men Going Unconscious in Transitions.
Phew, this one is a biggie.
I’m going to ask you this in the only way I know how: can you still feel us even after you’ve fucked us? Or have you dropped into unconsciousness? I wrote a poem for you about this here. It goes like this:
“Men…as much as you may not get it
Let us know, after you’re done, that you’re still with us
When you see us drifting off into space, gently touch our chins and pull us back
Guide us into you in the same way you were just in us.
Let us know that we are still connected
That you still want us, even after your long awaited climax
Though you may not understand, we are still healing huge pain bodies of generations before us.
We are breaking the fear that our organs are for you
We are leaving the mindset that female pleasure is hush-hush
It’s hard work, to be honest.
Sometimes we are going to have it handled
Other times we are going to pretend like we have it handled
We might act like we are not over-thinking it
And we’re not fearful that you are going to lose interest
But we aren’t always going to tell the truth.
Sometimes we are going to disassociate
Fall back into the belief that you have lost your
need for us
We want your reminders
Even if it feels unnecessary to you
Do it anyways.
Sometimes we are going to crave for you to just know
To just know that we still want to be held and looked in the eyes
That we still want to be desired after you’ve finished
That you are still with us.
Send us a text the next day letting us know you are still here
You are thinking about us
You care for us
You long for us
Even if you don’t fully understand, be with us anyways
Keep us present
Keep us with you by being with us.”
She wants to feel you feeling her even after sex. It’s in the AFTER CARE that she wants to feel your presence the most.
And it’s not always around sex– if she went to a big transformative retreat, how can you let her know that you’re holding her heart even after she has returned home? How can you secure space for her? How can you create both macro and micro moments of heart-holding to center and ground the relationship?
Essentially, how can you still be in her even when you’re no longer in her? This is the path of a conscious AF man.
5. Men Immediately Defending Rather than Listening.
Women have been shushed, poked, prodded, beaten, sold, raped, separated, mutilated and silenced since the beginning of humankind.
The fastest way to lose trust with a woman is to defend your stance immediately, rather than hear her heart, and the fastest way to gain it will be with three simple words, “I hear you.” (Ideally followed by, “What else, baby?”)
This is not easy. And I will never act like it is. It’s not easy for women either.
We all have ironclad defense mechanisms built into our bodies as a protective ego shield. The most beautiful moments in life are when we realize we don’t need them.
You listening to her and holding her heart, rather than fighting back with logic, will be one of the most transformative experiences in your relationship.
You will not only gain her trust but you will heal something within the collective feminine. You. Are. That. Powerful.
In conclusion, we love you. We want you. We need you. And in order for more of us to be able to love, want and need you fully, we need to know you have our best interest to heart. We will all be rewarded in this way.
Women, comment below… what else do you desire in order to trust more deeply? Men, comment below… which of these five ways has you inspired and excited?
If you’re new to the Feminine and Masculine, listen to this three-part series I made to break down everything.