People call me a fit chick, they call me healthy, they glamorize the success I’ve had in the fitness industry…but I’m hiding so many secrets deep down about who I really am.
I feel like a failure every day.
I am in a constant battle with my body, never allowing it to take its natural shape. Never letting my mouth or stomach govern what I eat. Trusting a stranger with a piece of paper over my own intuition and hunger cues.
I so badly want to look the part. I want people to trust me, to pay me money to get them in shape. I know I can seduce them with my perfect body, and then help them do the same.
But what happens when my clients find themselves starving too?
What happens when they become addicted to perfection?
What happens when they start seeing food as good and bad, and find their self worth within their diet?
What happens when they lose 15 lbs more than they “should?”
I guess I’ll deal with that when it happens.
Two years ago, I was thinking these thoughts, working my way up the fitness ladder, diet by diet, two workouts at a time.
My power was in my body. Without my body, there was no power.
The biggest problem with that was that, I gained more power by having less of my body.
Until I looked like this.
Standing in front of the mirror, I would analyze my every curve (and lack of curves), worrying about meal timing aligning with picture timing.
I’d think to myself…today is Sunday. Picture day. My long-distance coach wants to see my progress…but I’m so starving.
Knowing that I can’t have breakfast until I workout and get my progress picture, I head to the gym at five AM.
On my way out, I check out my booty. Good, no cellulite showing today.
I head to the gym for an hour of stair sprints. Afterwards I take my long awaited photo of my front, back and side to side.
Anxiously, I await my coach’s response.
“Looking good. Need to lift up the glutes more. I’ll have your new workout sent over by tonight.”
I have a new workout plan? And you’re making me wait until TONIGHT?
I anxiously step out of the gym thinking about what I could have done better the last five weeks. I didn’t eat any meals off my plan, I didn’t go to any restaurants, I didn’t go to any parties, I’ve been working out twice a day, I’ve been eating 7 meals a day, perfectly packaged in Tupperware, never missing a meal…
What more can I do?
Discouraged, I head home and scarf down my egg whites and oatmeal while uploading my glute photo to Instagram to see what kind of validation I could receive there.
The comments start to flow in.
“Looking good girl!”
“Nice, missy. Keep up the good work!”
A feeling of relief washes over me. Socially, I’m acceptable- thank god. Maybe I’m not quite up to par with what the judges want to see in my next fitness competition, but at least I’m keeping up (maybe even superior!) to my peers.
And that feels so good.
Taking one last glance in the mirror, I ensure myself that all this time it’s been worth it to keep my cellulite at bay.
My Instagram followers said so!
Two years ago, my self-worth was found inside of my body. No, I’m sorry, not in my body- it was my body.
My lack of flesh and bone gave me my self-worth.
But deep down, I was more scared, secluded and depressed than I had ever been in my life. I didn’t enjoy my food, I didn’t enjoy my workouts, I didn’t enjoy my life.
I was alone and tired of keeping my cellulite at bay.
I wanted more than anything to have cellulite and be okay with it.
If I could finally be okay with it, then I could finally start focusing on more important things in life. Like love, both with others and myself.
Instead, I forced myself to look like this.
But deep down, I hated it.
I hated it.
I hated my body.
Fast forward two years, and I have more cellulite than I ever had in my life.
You know what else?
So do the happiest people that I know.
For the people that see me in the gym, or only see me in the online world, you may think that I most likely don’t have cellulite.
You may think, I’ve probably been able to “magically” keep cellulite at bay.
That’s only because you’ve never seen it.
On the outside, I look like this:
With just the right leg position, I can look pretty lean!
Oh and here’s me looking all fit and serious…
This might look like the face of a girl that doesn’t have much cellulite right?
Yay SO HAPPY!
Do you sometimes feel like your Instagram is full of confident, radiant women who are genetic freaks, with their perfectly round glutes and beautiful carefree lives?
And you know this because they are alwayssss smiling! They just MUST have it all together!
Maybe they have a few shots like this on their social media?
What if I told you that I could MAKE my butt look like that just for the sake of a picture?
What if I told you that my butt actually looks like this…
More so, what if I told you that this butt above (one that may gross out a lot of people) belongs to a girl that intentionally gave up this one…
More than just giving up the perfect butt, I also gave up physical recognition for my body.
Because of the fact that I decided I would never again find my self-worth, I didn’t just gain cellulite.
I also gained the most incredible life I ever could have asked for. I eat food carefree, I workout if and when I feel like it, I care about people more than I ever have in my life, I have confidence, I have a strong moral system, I have courage.
But I want you to know something.
You don’t need to perfect your butt in order to love yourself. Or receive love for that matter.
In my case, “perfecting” my butt is what kept me from love.
It kept me from love from others, as well as love for myself.
The moment I allowed cellulite to come into the picture again (literally), I opened up the doors to so many other things.
Thank you cellulite for making my life worth living.
Do YOU want to stop obsessing about your cellulite too?
Do you want to finally “move past” these trivial body obsessions and start focusing on something more meaningful?
Even though it may seem like body image is the issue here, it is so much deeper than that. These issues stem from a deep desire for control and perfectionism, which are both a part of the Wounded Masculine and Wounded Feminine.
I’ve created a FREEEE audioguide called The 4 Pillars of Femininity for Perfectionists that you can download instantly and begin listening pronto. If you’re ready to let go of control and enjoy your beautiful body as it is now, come back home to our Feminine Flow. Learn how to embrace the curves of life…AND the curves of your body.