I’m standing in front of the mirror.
People call me a fit chick, they call me healthy, they glamorize the success I’ve had in the fitness industry…but I’m hiding so many secrets deep down about who I really am.
I feel like a failure every day.
I am in a constant battle with my body, never allowing it to take its natural shape. Never letting my mouth or stomach govern what I eat. Trusting a stranger with a piece of paper over my own intuition and hunger cues.
I so badly want to look the part. I want people to trust me, to pay me money to get them in shape. I know I can seduce them with my perfect body, and then help them do the same.
But what happens when my clients find themselves starving too?
What happens when they become addicted to perfection?
What happens when they start seeing food as good and bad, and find their self worth within their diet?
What happens when they lose 15 lbs more than they “should?”
I guess I’ll deal with that when it happens.
Two years ago, I was thinking these thoughts, working my way up the fitness ladder, diet by diet, two workouts at a time.
My power was in my body. Without my body, there was no power.
The biggest problem with that was that, I gained more power by having less of my body.
Until I looked like this.
Standing in front of the mirror, I would analyze my every curve (and lack of curves), worrying about meal timing aligning with picture timing.
I’d think to myself…today is Sunday. Picture day. My long-distance coach wants to see my progress…but I’m so starving.
Knowing that I can’t have breakfast until I workout and get my progress picture, I head to the gym at five AM.
On my way out, I check out my booty. Good, no cellulite showing today.
I head to the gym for an hour of stair sprints. Afterwards I take my long awaited photo of my front, back and side to side.
Send.
Anxiously, I await my coach’s response.
“Looking good. Need to lift up the glutes more. I’ll have your new workout sent over by tonight.”
Looking good?
Just good?
I have a new workout plan? And you’re making me wait until TONIGHT?
I anxiously step out of the gym thinking about what I could have done better the last five weeks. I didn’t eat any meals off my plan, I didn’t go to any restaurants, I didn’t go to any parties, I’ve been working out twice a day, I’ve been eating 7 meals a day, perfectly packaged in Tupperware, never missing a meal…
What more can I do?
Discouraged, I head home and scarf down my egg whites and oatmeal while uploading my glute photo to Instagram to see what kind of validation I could receive there.
The comments start to flow in.
“Looking good girl!”
“Great progress!”
“Nice, missy. Keep up the good work!”
A feeling of relief washes over me. Socially, I’m acceptable- thank god. Maybe I’m not quite up to par with what the judges want to see in my next fitness competition, but at least I’m keeping up (maybe even superior!) to my peers.
And that feels so good.
Taking one last glance in the mirror, I ensure myself that all this time it’s been worth it to keep my cellulite at bay.
My Instagram followers said so!
Two years ago, my self-worth was found inside of my body. No, I’m sorry, not in my body- it was my body.
My lack of flesh and bone gave me my self-worth.
But deep down, I was more scared, secluded and depressed than I had ever been in my life. I didn’t enjoy my food, I didn’t enjoy my workouts, I didn’t enjoy my life.
I was alone and tired of keeping my cellulite at bay.
I wanted more than anything to have cellulite and be okay with it.
If I could finally be okay with it, then I could finally start focusing on more important things in life. Like love, both with others and myself.
Instead, I forced myself to look like this.
But deep down, I hated it.
I hated it.
I hated my body.
Fast forward two years, and I have more cellulite than I ever had in my life.
You know what else?
So do the happiest people that I know.
For the people that see me in the gym, or only see me in the online world, you may think that I most likely don’t have cellulite.
You may think, I’ve probably been able to “magically” keep cellulite at bay.
That’s only because you’ve never seen it.
On the outside, I look like this:
With just the right leg position, I can look pretty lean!
Oh and here’s me looking all fit and serious…
This might look like the face of a girl that doesn’t have much cellulite right?
Yay SO HAPPY!
Do you sometimes feel like your Instagram is full of confident, radiant women who are genetic freaks, with their perfectly round glutes and beautiful carefree lives?
And you know this because they are alwayssss smiling! They just MUST have it all together!
Maybe they have a few shots like this on their social media?
What if I told you that I could MAKE my butt look like that just for the sake of a picture?
What if I told you that my butt actually looks like this…
More so, what if I told you that this butt above (one that may gross out a lot of people) belongs to a girl that intentionally gave up this one…
More than just giving up the perfect butt, I also gave up physical recognition for my body.
Because of the fact that I decided I would never again find my self-worth, I didn’t just gain cellulite.
I also gained the most incredible life I ever could have asked for. I eat food carefree, I workout if and when I feel like it, I care about people more than I ever have in my life, I have the most incredible boyfriend who loves my butt how it is, I have confidence, I have a strong moral system, I have courage.
This post required a lot of that by the way.
But I want you to know something.
You don’t need to perfect your butt in order to love yourself. Or receive love for that matter.
In my case, “perfecting” my butt is what kept me from love.
It kept me from love from others, as well as love for myself.
The moment I allowed cellulite to come into the picture again (literally), I opened up the doors to so many other things.
Thank you cellulite for making my life worth living.
Do you want to STOP obsessing about your cellulite too?
Do you want to finally “move past” these trivial body obsessions and start focusing on something more meaningful?
For the viewers of this post only, I want to provide a special offer for my best-selling program Body Freedom HERE.
If you are DONE with wasting years of your beautiful life fearing about losing (or never getting) the perfect bum, I want to offer you a spot in my program as well as a bonus gift- a complete 35 page workbook.
Sign up before all spots are taken HERE.
There are still a few left.
I hope to see you there….
This is great! I love your site and I love everything you represent. Your story is EXACTLY like mine, and I’m sure many other women. I was the SAME. I did bikini and figure competitions in my early twenties. I went from that horrible unhealthy mindset, to long distance running as my hobby. I was stick thin and OBSESSED about literally every calorie that I consumed. I got down to 116 at my lowest and I am also 5″6′ and naturally curvy. I looked sick. As you’ve said, when I did eat, it was so calculated and grossly low fat, healthy, low calorie, that I didn’t enjoy it. I never felt satisfied and my periods stopped coming. Then I actually woke up one day completely SICK of feeling that way so I stopped. I started CrossFit actually.. I don’t eat paleo or any specific diet. I eat what I want when I want it. I now have tons of muscle, and I worry way more about my clean and jerk lift technique and numbers that I do about my body…and hey guess what?! I love my body 80000x more than I ever did…because I know what it’s capable of. And guess what else? If I don’t want to work out…I don’t. It’s so freeing and I wish every woman could feel that way! Thanks again so much for sharing your story.
Thank you so much Wendy! Even in an email, I can feel your freedom. And I LOVE it!
I LOVE YOU. And cellulite for that matter. Saved my life too. You’re the raddest
Thank you Hayley! I love you and cellulite too….it keeps us REAL!
You rock. Thanks for sharing- this is amazing.
Thank you so much for reading Ali 🙂
BRAVO.
Thanks girl!
Thank You for telling it like it is-I get so tired of seeing the look of my abs look at my booty look at my arm muscles on Instagram and the obsession to be better and better and that your acceptable amazing and a role model if you have all the right stuff. That’s not a role model as you very clearly explained it’s a very miserable way to live thank you for your honesty and being what I consider – the very definition of a role model which is teaching us how to love our bodies
My pleasure Jenn 🙂 Thank you so much for your kind words!
Thank you so friggin much for this post!! I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to see a butt that looks like mine! This is my biggest insecurity and always has been. I’m 29 and have a lot of cellulite which has only increased since gaining some weight after all the diet craziness. But posts like this are so amazing in reminding me that my health and sanity is worth way more than the perfect butt will ever be. You are an absolutely invaluable voice in this fight against perfection and I can’t thank you enough!!
Thank you so much Emily for sharing this with me. I’m proud of you, and I so appreciate your honesty. Keep loving your dimples- they’re there because they love YOU!
Just… thank you! Right now, I’m feeling the same as you 2 years ago. I like the fact you showed how people can trick their picture.
My pleasure Genevieve <3 Thank you so much for reading!
You are an absolutely incredible young woman with a message that so many women and girls desperately need to hear. I have taught group exercise classes for nearly 20 years, and I have seen way too many women, both instructors and participants, fall into the trap of excessive exercise and dieting, where “healthy” activities and foods become unhealthy. Your courage is remarkable, especially at your young age. Your body is beautifully fit, and I applaud you for showing it off! You are inspiring women that are many years your senior, and you should be so proud. You are truly starting what I hope is a revolution in health and fitness. Keep up the incredible work!
Thank you so much Jessica. This means the world to me.
You’re amazing, Maddy. Fantastic post.
Thank you so much Abby 🙂
I love this! so real and powerful!
Thank you for have the courage to share.
Xx
Thank you so much Stefanie!
So proud of you, girl! So proud.
Thanks babe!
Love it! Great story, thanks so much for sharing! xo lotsa love, girlfriend!
Thanks so much Deryn!
Love. Love. Love!!! Thank you so much. xoxo
Thank you for reading Monica!
OMG. This was so courageous and beautiful, Maddy! Honestly, I like the podcasts, but to me, this post was even better than a podcast. Because it showed how much you thought this through and just how meaningful it was! Keep up the amazing work. You’re such an inspiration and we love you!
Thank you so much Stephanie. It is greatly appreciated <3
I am in tears now reading this. I don’t even know where to start but thank you. just thank you. for being real. for making me feel ok and not like some kind of freak that is dealing with this same hell that you’ve been describing. THANK YOU.
Thank you so much for sharing that Nicole. It’s my pleasure, I am so grateful that you read this post and know now that you are NOT alone! <3
You are so brave. I love when women are honest. Women love to hate “fit” women, but they have no idea that those women might be struggling with confidence and self-worth even more than they are.
Thank you for sharing your journey. You’re inspiring many, including me.
Thank you so much Cara!
Great article Maddy, very empowering! Let’s get real and enjoy this life! 🙂
Yes, Bessy! Thank you!
Way to go Maddy! You are living life, focusing on what really matters, and with a partner who loves you as you are! Beautiful! Thank you for your work, your courage, your honesty, and your inspiration!
Thank you so much for your kind words Julie!!
wow blown away this is awesome thank you so much for your trust in being transparent.
Thank you so much Jayne!
Another amazing post girl! LOVE how real you are! So inspiring! You are so BA! For reals!
Thank you Hayley! <3
This was a really, really helpful post, Maddy. I know I’ve fallen into the trap of thinking fit = body perfection and the pursuit of that unattainable perfection just leads down a never ending rabbit hole of self-loathing. Realizing that fit = imperfections and that’s totally ok and also happy making is refreshing. I’ve always wondered about people who blog about fitness or body confidence or anything related to body health and if they’re really “showing their hand” with the pics they post and just what is the reality of a happy, healthy body and lifestyle and you’ve shown that here. It’s not a Photoshopped body and a miserable soul. It’s a fit, healthy looking body and a joyful life. Major props to you for posting this-it’s one of the best posts about health and body I’ve ever read and something I really needed right now. Thank you!
I am SO glad to hear that Melinda! Thank you so much.
You pretty much just rock girl. My story too, until I developed so many health issues that I turned in my vanity for a degree in nutrition 🙂 Thank you for being so straight up and inspiring for all of us beautiful women everywhere~!
So glad to hear that!! Thank you for reading 🙂
Great post – thank you for being raw and real!!
My pleasure, Kayla! Thank you!
Cellulite. Genetic perfection. Society stresses so much value on this and not enough on being good, useful people. It blows my mind that we are taught about history, STD’s, gym, art, etc, but not taught about how everything has consequences, how sex is an expression of love, how exercise keeps us strong or how beauty is about more than competition and consumerism.
Thanks for this. We should all move forward.
Thank you Yessi!
Fully support this, it’s time the fitness industry looked past the cellulite and into TOTAL FITNESS – ironically enough, this is the first thing they teach you when you take your first step into a fitness career and gets lost along the way. Total fitness, is a BALANCE between your physical and mental and spiritual self. Obsession is just as bad as being physically unfit. Loved the article and we will be sharing with our followers – let’s enjoy life IN and between our workouts!! 🙂
Thank you Jessica! I agree!!
Maddy, you are an angel for sharing your experiences with us and for just being yourself! You are beautiful! Thank you for this. #CelluliteRules #Skin&BoneDrools
Thank you so much Jess! Yes, yes, #celluliterules!
love this article maddy….love love your podcasts also they have helped me so much in my own journey and continue to. This article is done with humour and a down to earth attitude that we need to see more of. Your say how old??can’t believe how young you are to be doing what YOU DO. amazing xx
Thank you so much Hayley! This means the world to me! (And I’m 23!) 🙂
You are sooooo beautiful without make-up, Maddy, and I know women would kill for your (currently) perfectly-beautiful behind, too! I’m new to your site, and am very encouraged. Look forward to listening to your podcasts and materials. Thanks so much for sharing!
You are so kind Kathy. Thank you so much for your sweet words. Can’t wait to share my journey with you, and hopefully get to learn more about yours!
Such an awesome, honest and beautiful post. You seriously rock, Maddy. You are doing some amazing things and helping so many, myself included. Cheers to being human and having cellulite! It’s time the rest of the world to catch on to true health and beauty.
Thank you so much Hannah. This means a great deal to me <3
Hey girl. I don’t know if you remember me, I was training for my first competition at the same time as you. @kelseylynn28 on Instagram.
Anyways, I’ve had a similar experience as you and am still trying to put back together the pieces and find my balance and happiness. I would love to talk more about this with you, feel free to email me whenever you get the chance.
Hi Kelsey,
Thank you for reaching out! I so acknowledge you for working towards rebuilding your own true version of health. Email me at [email protected] with more information about where you are in life! Looking forward.
Wow, that is so awesome, you’re such an inspiration! Thank goodness that there are some people like you out there who can speak the truth! Thank you! /Julia
Thank you so much Julia! I appreciate your kind words so much!
I struggle so much with this! My husband absolutely loves my body but I can’t stand it. I’ll spend hours looking in the mirror, step on the scale numerous times a day thinking about how it isn’t up to par and my emails from my coach don’t help either. I don’t know why I keep voluntarily doing this to myself but it’s literally killing me inside. I hope I can eventually achieve the freedom you’ve gained. It’s nice to know that there is a life past this torment.
Ina,
Thank you for reading and for sharing your vulnerabilities with me. I know how hard that is, and I’m curious how you’re working on your body image now with your coach! There definitely is light at the end of the tunnel, you simply must find what works for you the best. Freedom can be closer than you’d think!
Much love,
Madelyn
You are so brave. Went through something similar in early 20 ‘ s. So tough but so important to share!
Thank you France!
So inspiring and important thanks maddy !
I needed to read this more than you could ever know. Everything you have been through I have been through the same. I say with tears in my eyes, why do I compete for a stupid plastic trophy just to mess my body’s hormone levels up in the end. Its not worth it.
Every day I see beautiful women with loads of dimples and waves at the back of their thighs, it makes me feel more normal each day and each day I’m embracing my out of season body with more and more confidence radiating off me. I feel beautiful once again.
Thank you for sharing this.
♡♡♡
This was so beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. You’re my hero today!! Know that you have a special gift to share with this world, and it’s not the size or shape of your body- it’s the passion you have inside!
Hi Maddy, I love this and just wanted to give you a HUGE pat on the back for being so awesome! I am a fellow BIMGA and am so encouraged by your courage. You go girl! http://www.yummomummo.blogspot.com
WOW thank you so much for posting this. I was a promotional model for six years and I still have a hard time looking at older pictures of myself when I was my smallest. I’ve been anywhere from a size 4, 6, 8, to a 10. Right now I am in the process of getting healthy, strong and learning to maintain my weight to a standard that makes ME happy. I broke the ball and chain of working for an agency so now I can focus on myself. This is really comforting that you had the courage to post these photos. I hope some day I can do the same. I think you look great!
Thank you so much for reading Alyssa! I’m so glad this served you well and I’m so proud of you for embarking on your own BODY POSITIVE journey! The rewards of self-love and acceptance are endless. Much love to you!