If you’re a woman, the chances are high that in your youth, you learned much more about male pleasure than female pleasure.
This may not be the case, especially if you were raised in an open/liberal household, but for many of us— it was not out of the ordinary to learn about male sexuality and pleasure much faster than female’s (if at all).
Locker room talk. Porn. Masturbation. Scoring. Gettin’ some.
I’m embarrassed to say that I thought masturbation was something only boys did (my first time exploring my own body was in college…COLLEGE) because of my limited knowledge of female pleasure.
The experience of intimacy and pleasure for a woman is taboo in our culture. It’s hush-hush because it’s so complicated and mysterious in ways that it isn’t for a male. Sexuality for a woman is vastly different from a man’s, which is why it falls right into the patriarchy’s plan to keep it quiet and shameful.
(read THIS book before you argue against this)
Considering our sexuality is so closely related to our power, creativity, purpose and intuition, the more work we do as women to learn our bodies, thrive in intimacy and connect ourselves, the better our world is going to be.
That may sound like an exaggeration but it’s not. When we heal our relationship to the most intimate parts of ourselves, we heal something for the entire collective. When we let go of shame and we move towards pleasure on a micro scale, we are uniting in a way that moves towards pleasure on a macro scale.
Something I struggled with for 25 years of my life was my ability to let go in the bedroom, embrace the weird sounds and “o” faces, open my heart and finally let go of my obsessive mind.
My brain was a war zone during sex. Thoughts continuously swirled in my mind, such as:
“Is he getting tired?”
“I’m a making enough of the right kind of moans?”
“Do I have a double chin with this angle?”
“If I don’t orgasm, will he leave? Feel bad about himself? Be disappointed?”
“Am I taking too long?”
I’m not saying that these thoughts are a thing of the past…because that’s not the case. They still arrive from time to time. Thing is, today I am much more gentle with myself.
Additionally, I talk out these concerns with whoever my partner is. If I feel blocked in some way, I will share with him that I desire to have sex without expectations. This helps me personally with taking off the external pressure to “get there” and I can simply enjoy the experience and let it be exactly what it is.
While having this kind of conversation proves to be helpful time and time again, nothing has been quite as helpful as a solo self-lovin’ practice.
You heard me right. Me, myself and I. The truth is, if you cannot receive love by your own self, you sure as heck won’t be able to freely receive it from another.
I have had several coaching conversations where my client told me that they are uncomfortable with intimacy, and even more so, are uncomfortable with receiving.
This is no surprise. We are carrying a huge pain body, ladies! For thousands of years, women have been property. We have been raped, sold, burned, buried, abused, dismissed and used. And here we are wondering, “Am I the only person that struggles with opening during sex? Will I EVER be able to orgasm? Will I ever not feel guilty about receiving?”
You are not alone.
In fact, by even facing this issue, you are healing something within this huge, collective feminine pain body. And by you slowing down around your relationship with pleasure, unblocking it and learning how to receive pleasure (both from yourself and from your lover), you are going to be healing the feminine’s relationship to sexuality in the future.
Start with your solo practice. Start with exploring and loving yourself. Have conversations with your partner. Plan to have intimate nights without any expectations.
Above all, give yourself space and grace. This is a deep, intense journey. It deserves to be explored gently.